Romance: Just a Dance Away

I think I have spent the majority of my life wanting real romance. Th kind you see in the movies. As young girls and adolescents watching movies like "Titanic" or "Sixteen Candles"- of course this is something we strive for. I think that's why when we get it- it's almost shocking. I am not talking candle lit dinners, or meaningful sex. Those things are fantastic, but not old fashioned romance. I am talking those beautiful, spontaneous moments that just happen to arise when you least expect it. When I think about the most romantic moments of my life, the ones that will go down in the history books- Almost all of them involve dancing of some kind. Now, most of you will say "How original, your prom was romantic!" But, actually, none of my 3 moments involved the prom. So there, prom queens! (I was 215 lbs at my prom with bad acne and no eyebrows. I blossomed well after high school into a size 6 with better fashion sense- the prom for me was- well- you can imagine... not the most magical night of my life...to say the least...)

Let me preface this post with: get ready for some possibly cheesy moments- but come on, we all got 'em. I'm just sharing mine with you!

I chose 3 moments because it's a nice, clean number. There are, of course other tiers- but these 3 moments would be my top-most tiers. The first one was with the first boyfriend I ever had. He was visting me in New York City. He was the first guy I ever loved. During our honeymoon phase, a month into the relationship, he took me to Lincoln Center by the fountain. We liked to go there and just stare at how pretty it was. Sometimes there would be a string orchestra playing outside. It was the coldest day of the year, very late at night. After looking at the fountain for some time, he just looked me in the eyes, and then he threw his gloves off, took my hands and pulled my gloves off as well, he put his warm, sweaty hands in mine. He then put his hands around my face and told me that he wanted to be with me forever, and that this was the happiest moment of his life so far. He kissed me. This was very theatrical, but, in my 19 year old eyes, it was perfect. We walked home hand in hand and got cupcakes.


For the 2nd, I was in dance class, not one of my strong holds at the Conservatory in NYC. I was always a much better singer and actor. Dancing was never my thing because I have DD's, and was always very self conscious. I had slimmed down in school, but I really didn't like the idea of having to dance with a partner. We had gotten to the semester where we not only had to partner, but we had to do lifts. This was my worst nightmare. I didn't want ANYONE to support my weight, I became completely mortified. I was afraid I might make some of the--- let's call them "fabulous" boys buckle. So, whenever it came to the lifts in our dances, everyone would follow the cheorography, and I wouldn't let the boy, whoever I was paired with, lift me. I would fake it. Kind of like Baby in "Dirty Dancing". It's all about trust. I didn't trust my body with anyone but me. My dancing teacher, who had been on Broadway as a dancer in many shows, insisted that that lifts were simply up to the girl, because the girl more or less balances herself on the guy. The guy merely stands there, and offers up his hands to guide you, and keep you even. In standard lifts, the girl's weight is usually held up by the girl. In the lifts we were doing anyhow. I still couldn't allow myself to do this.

At this time I was a size 6, not heavy, but I still could not allow myself to trust someone with my weight. I was crippled by it, and it was humilating. In the face of adversity, I rely on my humor. I would joke around, make fun of the dance teacher, or make complete light of it, but inside, I just wished I could get it together. I was so afraid that if I DID take the risk, and attempt the lift and FAIL, or even worse, have the guy not be able to support me and have to put me down, I might just have to quit school, because I would never be able to show my face there again. My dance teacher cornered me after class one night and told me that he didn't appreciate me "screwing around" - and that a bad dance grade would effect my overall Conservatory GPA. The next class, one of the straight guys, who, I coincidentally always had a huge crush on, came up to me and told me that he wanted to help me do the lift. This guy was not only very handsome, but 6 feet tall and pretty muscular. I still couldn't agree. Everytime we went for the lift I would fall like putty onto the ground- it was starting to not be funny anymore- even to me. At the next run thru, before we started, he looked me in the eyes, and said, " I know why you don't want to do the lift. You used to be fat. It's ok, I used to be fat too." I was kind of offended. He said to me, "You can trust me, all you have to do is jump, and I will take care of the rest. " He was so cute. So convincing. Maybe I just needed the strong reassurance from someone. The next time we went thru it, we got to the lift, I closed my eyes, and jumped really high. He assisted me into the lift seamlessly. He kept me up there a little longer than the beat allowed, but for 4 seconds I soared. Time stopped, I was literally on top of the world. I had never seen things from this view before, it was so liberating. So easy. He was so STRONG. The class clapped for me at the end, and I nailed the dance at finals. This is romantic moment number 2 for me because up until that point, I had never allowed a man to pick me up. Even in jest. He supported me in ways he will never know, and I will never forget it, even to this day. Also because I still have a crush on the guy, 5 years later. ;0)

The thrid moment came with a guy that I wasn't sure I was dating. Ever have one of those? We had been on many "dates", and spent the majority of our free time together, like friends do. We had kissed and done the physical thing, but never talked about what we "were". I was never one for pushing, so I just went with it. Even though I wanted to tell this guy, after months of the merry-go-round that I was ready for a relationship, and that I had fallen in love with him. I had it real bad for this guy. Sometimes we acted like best friends. Sometimes we acted like lovers. It was excrutiating and exhilerating at the same time. As adults, I wasn't sure if we were supposed to even HAVE the " are we boyfriend and girlfriend?" talk. Maybe once you're in your 20's you just assume? Regardless. It was unclear. All I knew was that I loved this guy. Very much, and I was pretty sure he might feel the same way, but until it's said, you can never know.... right? That night we had watched a movie at home and sat for hours talking. No kissing. I wasn't sure what was going on. I was reaching a frustration point. The credits to the movie began. I thought this might be the perfect time to ask him everything that was on my mind- maybe clear things up. Instead, he stood up in the dark living room lit by the tv screen playing slow jazz music to the credits. He held out his hand. "Do you wanna dance with me, Kathryne?"

WHOOAAA... now- I know what you're thinking- CORNY- but go with it. And imagine the person that you are in love with offering this, when everything is still so new and uncharted.

I looked up at him. Kind of shocked, we had never danced before. In fact, when does anyone dance anymore? At weddings, maybe... unless you're "goin to the club..." , you really aren't going to have a chance to dance with anyone. Dancing is- sensual, and sweet, and so, so, so ever romantic. It's kind of feminine, so for a guy to dance with you- slow like that- it's just kind of special. It was to me anyhow. We danced until the credits were over, real slow- like, bodies pressed against one another, cheek to cheek. Just like in the song! It's old fashioned, but let me tell you something- it's hot. But most of all, it sweet. And in that moment- when we danced even past the time there was no music playing, just by the light of the TV- he was showing me, not telling me, but showing me how he cared. Maybe I don't give guys enough credit sometimes, I tend to bash their communication skills. But sometimes they communicate in different ways. This way worked. Really well. It's my favorite of the moments I have had. Maybe because I am a movie buff, and me, being a movie buff, enjoys huge romantic gestures. Because they don't happen often. You're lucky if you just get a few in your lifetime.


The funny thing about all of these moments, is that I am no longer with any of these guys. Hell, I was never even dating the lift guy! Just had a crush on him! But regardless, just because I am not with any of these people doesn't mean I look back at any of these moments and think any less of them. Bad breakup or not, I still look back with nostaligia. And hope that one day, if I'm lucky, I might find that kind of spontaneous, non -"heart-shaped candy box" kind of romance again. Some people my age don't have any real romantic memories. Some people in their 40's don't. Some people never do. I'm not talking Hallmark card romance, or diamond earring romance. Have you been lucky enough to have such a thing? We all define it differently, but I think the underlying factor in all of these moments is trust. Trusting that others might be able to support you, surprise you when you least expect it, or maybe even be willing to put on their dancing shoes.