Kathryne Says... Don't Date the Old Guy.

Old Guy came to me in a moment of shear and total devastation. I was 23, and had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship. A relationship that for 2 of the 4 years, I lived with the guy. 3 weeks out of this long relationship (the 1st real relationship I had ever had.), Old Guy started to court me. At the time, my life was in shambles. I was broke, jobless, just started living in a studio apartment by myself, and I had also gained the obligatory break up weight- so my self esteem was shot to hell. I had no idea what what I was getting myself into.

I had been babied and sheltered from a lot of "real world" realities by my parents, and subsequently by my long term b/f, so once I was out on my own for the very first time, I felt like I belonged sitting at the kid's table, not with the adults. In hindsight, I won't say that Old Guy completely preyed on my naivity, but, well, fine, I will say it: Old Guy TOTALLY preyed on my basketcased, schismed life. (At the time.) This is not to say that all Old Guys will do this, but having been in the dating game much, much longer than us in our early to mid 20's- he knew how to manipulate a situtaion, and honestly, there are some guys out there- and some women for that matter- that simply like projects. That like "broken" people- and sadly, use someone else's pain for their own advantage. Let me break down my experience for you.

Old Guy was 34. I was 23. When he asked me out, I was completely and totally blindsighted because I was feeling pretty worthless at the time of my breakup with Longterm Guy. The relationship had taken everything out of me. It was so all emcompassing, that I wasn't sure I knew who I was without him- I was lost, devastated, and completely clueless. Old Guy took me out for a really, really nice, expensive dinner. I had never been to a restaurant like this- it was beyond fancy... I was certainly underdressed in my hot pink Old Navy lacy tank top, black zip up skirt from H&M, and Chinese Laundry platform pumps. I felt out of place. But maybe this is what dating an older gentleman is like? No more dinners at In and Out or Subway? Maybe it would be champagne and Chicken Marsala every night? Wow. Maybe I could get used to this...

At dinner I talked about my life in NY, and desparately tried to make sure I sounded intelligent, not like a stupid chick in her 20's only interested in frivolous things. I also tried very hard not to talk about the ex. But it was still on my mind- I had only barely moved out and away from him, and here I was now with a NEW man. I was ill- prepared for what happened next.

After dinner, Old Guy took me to his very adult apartment. I felt like I was 12 years old in comparison. My apartment was decorated with pink and purple polka dots, posters from movies I loved, and old photographs my mother took in the 70's. It was also a mess. Old Guy's apartment was clean and perfect. With beige and black as the theme colors- everything matched, his huge LCD TV screen spralled the entire length of the wall. He had a beautiful balcony, and only really healthy food in his kitchen. I didn't want to even touch anything- it almost felt sterile. In a very adult and sophisticated way. We made our way to the couch and started making out. I hadn't been with many men. In fact, my number was pretty low. I also- and this is the God's honest truth- didn't know how pacing went in the world of dating. Because, at 23, I had never really dated. My first and only relationship started when I was still in college at 19, and was a friendship that turned into kissing that then turned into love. So on the "getting to know you basis" of dating- I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I was very much a novice. Maybe it was just simply stupidity or the inability to say "no" at the time, but I was also just trying to move on. Old Guy slipped my bra off within 10 minutes of making out. Had this been high school or college, I would have slapped his face and walked out. But now, I was in the "real world". Was I prude? He is 34, he is an adult, and if I can't keep up, then he will just find someone else. And he wants ME now. Go with it, dummy. So I did.

It is my personal belief that whenever it is that one enters "the real world" - whether it is after high school at 18, or after college at 22, or after grad school at 25, that even though your driver's liscence SAYS you are an adult- you really aren't. Not quite yet. See, I had been out in the "real world" since I was 21. But I had never been alone, and I was not privy to so many things. It takes years of working a job, making your rent, and learning lessons the hard way to make an adult. And some of us never get there. Come on, we all have that Uncle Bernie that's 50, never married, works in "business" or finance" and cruises women half his age. I believe that until you've had your heart broken into a thousand pieces, until you've tried your damndest for a job and lost it, until you've been so broke you couldn't afford bread, and until you realize that there a million other people better and more talented than you for any given job, and that there is nothing you can do about it- then you aren't an adult. Being an adult means not only being responsible blah,blah, blah, but also having humility. I haven't reached that point yet, even now. I still believe I am the best person you will ever find for the job, that someday I will develop the ability to fly, and that every single one of my dreams will come true. (And that unicorns exist in a land called Zambia.) Being an adult to me is letting reality sink in. Admitting your shortcomings. Given thatI haven't really done this yet, I will go out on a limb and say that maybe when you turn 30, you are officially an adult. I digress.

Old Guy and I slept together the first date. It was pretty horrible. I didn't know what I was doing, and I was super uncomfortable the whole time. When you are in a relationship, you get used to your partner's ticks and what not. I was not at all prepared to be with someone new. But I told myself that this was a neccessary step to moving on. Old Guy then played the waiting game with me. In the months that we went out, he told me that I was "amazing" but that he just didn't want to jump into a "full blown relationship" yet. In m eyes, if you are going out to dinner with someone regularly, and sleeping with them: this is a relationship. Word to the wise: listen to the WORDS that your partner or lover is saying to you. I thought, well, ok, sure you don't want a relationship, but you continue to call me and see me at least once a week. We are b/f and g/f. Old Guy liked to talk down to me in a condescending way. Being 23 and a newbie to Los Angeles, Old Guy liked to tell me what to do- what car insurance to have, what grocery store to go to, what outfit to wear. I didn't really mind at first. I simply just thought, well, he is older, so he knows- I should listen and take the advice. But in reality, Old Guy just really wanted someone younger to dare I say--- control? I was like a blank canvas, and he prided himself on being able to fill out my colors. Old Guy wasn't affectionate. I wasn't used to this. He didn't really like kissing- instead he went straight for the kill. He also didn't like communicating. The only time I talked to him was when we set up plans to see each other. I would send texts like "Miss you" or " I wish you were here with me" , or "Hope your day is going well!! :0) " And he never responded. I started thinking that I was just a juvinile joke. That I was back in high school again. Old Guy knew he could have things on HIS TERMS because I was putty. A young, inexperienced mess of a girl. All of it was true. And he knew it. Which is why, in hindsight, yes, I do think of him as an ass.

Old Guy broke up with me on a Friday night. He was supposed to pick me up to take me to a movie. We had planned it all week. Old Guy came over at 8pm, and sat on my electric blue corderoy couch from Ikea. He checked his phone while simotaneously telling me that he just "Didn't want this anymore." At this point in our sad little trist, I knew I wasn't into him, I knew he wasn't the one, I knew he hadn't treated me right. But I was desparately trying to hold onto it because I felt it was all I had that was keeping me together. Up until that point, I had never really been single or comepletely alone. If I could just maybe cling to this a little while longer, maybe I would be ok. He walked out at 8:15 and went to the bar with his buddies. I played it as cool as I could at the time. No tears. Well, until he walked out of the building no tears. Once I heard the door shut, I fell to my knees involuntarily and sobbed. And uncontrolably I might add. I realized at that moment, and not before, that I was weeping not really for Old Guy, but for all the pain and suffering I never allowed myself to feel from the Long Term Guy months earlier. Since Old Guy and I started dating RIGHT after my breakup with the 4 year Guy, I didn't have to mourn. I didn't have to feel the emptiness and failure and shear pain of that 1st relationship. That's why I was hanging onto Old Guy for so long. Now, not all May/ December relationships will go like this, and I know that. In a decade or more age difference you will have different cultuaral references, and different memories of things in the past. You may have a different social class, and you may also have a different view of the world. Old Guy for me was a jaded Angeleno with not much hope for the world or for his future. He was a "realist" I thought at the time. Being an adult doesn't mean you are giving up on the world, it means that you accept that there are awful things that happen. You accept there are so many things that you cannot change. But that you overcome- despite all the odds, and you keep going, knowing that sometimes the odds are against you. This is my interpretation of my journey to adulthood anyhow. Go ahead, date older, date younger, date taller, date shorter. Whatever you do though, make sure you are on the same playing field. Make sure that you're even. And don't, under any circumstances ever feel that simply because you are younger, that you're opinions and thoughts don't matter as much. When you start to feel that way in your own Old Guy relatioship, it's time to cut the cord and start figuring out what you actually want out of this life and in a man. Not just what they told you to want. Dating older won't fix your problems or enlighten your life that much more than a man your own age. So unless you simply just want a big pay day like Anna Nicole- I suggest you stay relatively close within your age range. And if you DO decide to go older, know what you may be getting yourself into. Saggy balls and toe rot.

Yes, I just said that. :0)

Coming soon: Kathryne Says... Don't Date the Difficult Guy (Otherwise knows as "the guy no one likes but you")