Difficult Guys are all around. It's hard to lump them into one specific catergory and just simply call them "Difficult". Difficult Guy also goes under the guise of Moody Guy, Brooding Guy, Mother Issues Guy, and Fear of Abandonment Guy. And maybe a little bit of Controlling Guy as well. The spectrum is certainly large. And don't worry- I'll cover all the bases! Cuz if he's crying in a corner, arguing with your friends, and listening to Annie Lennox nonstop, I've probably dated him! I have girlfriends that will argue that every guy they've dated and subsequently broken up with has been "Difficult" in some way. This I won't argue with...they've yet to prove me wrong. Come on fellas! What's the problem?
Difficult Guy, I will tell you straight off the bat, was my Long Term Guy. Long Term as in 4 years, and 2 of those years I lived with him. The signs were there from the beginning, but, just like anything, if you tell yourself to brush it off, and accept it as "normal" behavior, you will. And you will suffer for it. You know you are dating the Difficult Guy when:
YOUR FRIENDS HATE HIM
You're in love. Or you think you could be someday with this great guy you just started to see. He is sensitive to your needs and generally seems quite attentive. You've been dating for a few months now, and your friends start wondering where you've dissapeared to. Once your only strongholds, you have let them fall by the wayside a little bit, in exchange for your new guy time. Well, this is now serious, and you two are officially a couple. Time for Difficult Guy to get to know your best friends, and welcome him to the group. (Of course, Difficult Guy is not Difficult Guy yet, he is still Perfect Guy at this moment) You're sure now is the time for the big introduction. If it went anything like mine went, don't wait around for another 3 years to see if he gets more friendly in social situations. He won't!
Difficult Guy and all my closest friends in the world met at my most favorite diner one night. French Fries, beers, and good times? Yes? Well, no, not really. After talking up Difficult Guy for what seemed to be forever, my friends were dying to meet the man who had so eloquently swept me off my feet. The initial meeting went well: shaking of hands, hugs, and the "oh you're the one who...(insert funny story)." Well, after about an hour or so, I noticed that my darling boyfriend was... sulking... this is the only word I can use to describe this behavior. While my good friends and I were telling hilarious stories of growing up, and school, all while trying to include him and get him to join in, he was, sitting back in his chair, slumped over, arms crossed, and being totally and completely silent. I was starting to get embarrased. After all- this was the guy that for so long I had been talking up as the cream of the crop! What the hell is going on?! To be fair, it wasn't just a group of girlfriends. It was me, a few girlfriends, a few gay guy friends, and 2 other straight guys. A good mix. Difficult Guy had brought along one of his friends as well to even it out. My best friend tried to include him- asking him open ended questions, really trying to engage him: nothing. He grimaced. He didn't smile, and he was very, very short with his answers, only opening his mouth when he had to. I took him aside, which was also, very, very embarrassing. I asked him, hey, what's wrong sweetheart? He told me, that he was having a horrible time, he thought my friends were self obsessed, the food sucked, and that he wanted to leave. He was angry that all of the things that we were talking about had something to do with me. That it was all about me and my stories, and anecdotes, and that he felt like no one was asking him any questions or cared about him. Well, this was shocking, especially because I had seen 3 of my friends really try and ask him some questions, that, in turn, Difficult Guy answered rather rudely to. Another thing at that point that concerend me was that we had only been with my friends for about an hour- and Difficult Guy was alread tired of hearing funny stories about my college days? It was all about me for about an hour, and he couldn't handle that? What further perplexed me was that, I had met several of his friends already. One of them did nothing short of grope my boob and tell me I was "hot stuff", and the other one was so unbelieveably pretentious and full of himself, I couldn't stand it. But at the time, I did nothing but smile and say, "yeah, you're friends are awesome!".... because.... well, they were HIS friends. And that's what you do... especially in the beginning of a relationship- you try to be cordial, and understanding, and open- and give people a chance! So what the heck was going on? Why was my new boyfriend pouting in the corner when the all the attention was shifted to me for a mere moment? I should also point out- I am an actress and singer. So sometimes, in my career, all the attention is going to be on me... how is he going to deal with that? Well, time would tell, I thought, and it sure did.
HE GETS JEALOUS OF YOU
So, it's been a few months, maybe even a year or so now. You have hit your grove with this person and despite some social issues, you are still in love. So what? He just isn't a social guy, you think to yourself. Not everyone can be the social butterfly I am. Maybe it's just because he is so shy and sensitive. That's what I love about him you think. At least I know what we have is real.
I got a call from Samsung. I was 21, and I had just found out I had booked my first "real job" as an actress. I was going to be appearing in a series of Industrial Ads to be seen all over the world for the Electronics Company, Samsung. It was a 3 week gig that was being shot in Trump Towers. I was the female lead in a series they were basing off of hit soap operas like "Days of Our Lives", to teach Korean businessmen how to speak better English. Glamorous, I know! Well, it was a lot of money, and it would get heavy rotation in Asia. This was really huge for me. So huge that I quit my day job. (in hindshight, real bad move, but I was young and stupid.) This was the best news of my life thus far- a huge, huge paycheck, tons of material for my reel- pro hair and makeup and wardrobe, and it was for Samsung! Yay! Right? Well, when I told my boyfriend the news, I was expecting applause, champagne, and like, I don't know? I hug? Relief? A smile maybe? How bout just a "congratulations" on your hard work kind of thing? Turns out, he not only didn't say "congratulations", he cried. Yup. He cried- and--- wait for it--- he threw a hissy fit. A HISSY FIT!!! He turned it around to him and asked me when it would be his turn for his success? When would he have that great job, that big paycheck? Why did it have to be me... not him...? (his words) At the time, I felt actual remorse. I felt like, by me getting this job, I had, in turn hurt my relationship with Difficult Guy. Who was still "Sensitive Guy" and "Perfect Guy" in my head. Though all signs were pointing to cut and run, I felt actual pity for him, and I felt ashamed of my success. He made me feel bad about a job well done. A job I spent days preparing for with no sleep, just trying to memorize my lines before the big audition. I mean, it wasn't an easy job to book. I should have been patting myself on the back for the moment, but instead I was consoling a needy, insecure, little boy. Did I see something wrong with the picture...? Ahhh.. YEAH. But I still was hoping and praying it would all find a way to work itself out. Well, yeah, I wouldn't be writing this blog if it had...!
YOU DON'T LEAD SEPARATE LIVES ANYMORE
This is next thing I am going to write is tricky, so try and understand me. When you are in a serious relationship, it is good- in fact, it is neccessary to have your own "stuff". The knitting class you go to on Wednesdays, or the raquetball he plays on Fridays. You catch my drift. Do things that enrich yourself- and on your own. Take that yoga class, go for that solo walk to clear your head. Go shopping by yourself. Take a night to stay in and read a book instead of going out with the significant other every now and then. This is healthy behavior. Of course, when you are living with someone, most meals, and most tv shows, and most outside adventures will be done together. And this is a great thing, it really is. But it's a thin, thin, line. You have to keep on with your singular self, and keep up that relationship, (with yourself) I think, first and foremost, no matter how happy or secure you are in any given relationship. This said: don't close yourself off or push your significant other away because you need to blockade yourself in other interests, no. But make sure you check in with you, at least every once and while. This was not something I did, or rather, really knew HOW to do in my first serious relationship, that happened to be with Difficult Guy.
We ate every meal together. We took the train to work together everyday. We watched movies at night together. We saw our friends together- and we no longer had friends we saw alone. I didn't notice it at the time, but looking back now, we really only saw his friends, that were in turn my friends now. And that was incredibly seldom. Because Difficult Guy had been so rude to my friends- they didn't agree with me seeing him. Therefore, I almost altogether stopped seeing my own friends. I don't blame them for disliking him. They all told me that he was not the guy for me. I couldn't see it at the time. But word to the wise guys: if you friends and peers don't like him, and especially if your family doesn't like him (or her)--- try, just try to see where they are coming from. Because I hate to say it: but they are ALWAYS right. They are, afterall, your mirror. Look into it, even if it's ugly- because life is too short to think you know better and make excuses for a deadbeat, am I right?
Having almost totally and completely isolated myself with the Difficult Guy, I started to really get depressed. I wasn't going out with my friends anymore. I wasn't doing things for ME and just ME anymore- it was always an "us". I started to conceal when I would see friends on the sly- it was almost I felt like I was cheating on Difficult Guy, given that he had only negative things to say about almost all my friends. What the heck was going on? I was 22. This was no way to live. I did this little song and dance for another year, believe it or not- and ya know what? Enough came to be enough, and I have never been happier. I suppose all I am trying to say is: listen to your gut: it don't lie! A partnership is JUST that. You see each other when you WANT to- even if you live together. You don't apoligize for your accomplishments, rather celebrate them together. The majority of your friends should mesh well together, and really see why you two are together- why you "work". The Difficult Guy takes many, many forms, and it is important to be able to recognize this. One might even say that Difficult Guy could also be Abusive Guy. Whether it is emotional, physical or otherwise. Here are some links at the bottom of the posting that will give you guidence and help on the subject if your Difficult Guy turns into Abusive Guy. Or if you know someone in need of help or information, send them the links. Because all kidding aside, Difficult Guy is the most unpredictable and inexcuseable of all the "Guys" I have dated. Well, him and the Gay Guy. Didn't see that one coming. (alright, I did!) But damn.
Stay tuned for my next posting: Kathryne Says...Don't Date the Guy That Already Dumped You Once. (Or 3 times)
Helpful Links: http://www.ndvh.org/
http://dahmw.org/#
http://www.womencareshelter.org/
http://verahouse.org/
Difficult Guy, I will tell you straight off the bat, was my Long Term Guy. Long Term as in 4 years, and 2 of those years I lived with him. The signs were there from the beginning, but, just like anything, if you tell yourself to brush it off, and accept it as "normal" behavior, you will. And you will suffer for it. You know you are dating the Difficult Guy when:
YOUR FRIENDS HATE HIM
You're in love. Or you think you could be someday with this great guy you just started to see. He is sensitive to your needs and generally seems quite attentive. You've been dating for a few months now, and your friends start wondering where you've dissapeared to. Once your only strongholds, you have let them fall by the wayside a little bit, in exchange for your new guy time. Well, this is now serious, and you two are officially a couple. Time for Difficult Guy to get to know your best friends, and welcome him to the group. (Of course, Difficult Guy is not Difficult Guy yet, he is still Perfect Guy at this moment) You're sure now is the time for the big introduction. If it went anything like mine went, don't wait around for another 3 years to see if he gets more friendly in social situations. He won't!
Difficult Guy and all my closest friends in the world met at my most favorite diner one night. French Fries, beers, and good times? Yes? Well, no, not really. After talking up Difficult Guy for what seemed to be forever, my friends were dying to meet the man who had so eloquently swept me off my feet. The initial meeting went well: shaking of hands, hugs, and the "oh you're the one who...(insert funny story)." Well, after about an hour or so, I noticed that my darling boyfriend was... sulking... this is the only word I can use to describe this behavior. While my good friends and I were telling hilarious stories of growing up, and school, all while trying to include him and get him to join in, he was, sitting back in his chair, slumped over, arms crossed, and being totally and completely silent. I was starting to get embarrased. After all- this was the guy that for so long I had been talking up as the cream of the crop! What the hell is going on?! To be fair, it wasn't just a group of girlfriends. It was me, a few girlfriends, a few gay guy friends, and 2 other straight guys. A good mix. Difficult Guy had brought along one of his friends as well to even it out. My best friend tried to include him- asking him open ended questions, really trying to engage him: nothing. He grimaced. He didn't smile, and he was very, very short with his answers, only opening his mouth when he had to. I took him aside, which was also, very, very embarrassing. I asked him, hey, what's wrong sweetheart? He told me, that he was having a horrible time, he thought my friends were self obsessed, the food sucked, and that he wanted to leave. He was angry that all of the things that we were talking about had something to do with me. That it was all about me and my stories, and anecdotes, and that he felt like no one was asking him any questions or cared about him. Well, this was shocking, especially because I had seen 3 of my friends really try and ask him some questions, that, in turn, Difficult Guy answered rather rudely to. Another thing at that point that concerend me was that we had only been with my friends for about an hour- and Difficult Guy was alread tired of hearing funny stories about my college days? It was all about me for about an hour, and he couldn't handle that? What further perplexed me was that, I had met several of his friends already. One of them did nothing short of grope my boob and tell me I was "hot stuff", and the other one was so unbelieveably pretentious and full of himself, I couldn't stand it. But at the time, I did nothing but smile and say, "yeah, you're friends are awesome!".... because.... well, they were HIS friends. And that's what you do... especially in the beginning of a relationship- you try to be cordial, and understanding, and open- and give people a chance! So what the heck was going on? Why was my new boyfriend pouting in the corner when the all the attention was shifted to me for a mere moment? I should also point out- I am an actress and singer. So sometimes, in my career, all the attention is going to be on me... how is he going to deal with that? Well, time would tell, I thought, and it sure did.
HE GETS JEALOUS OF YOU
So, it's been a few months, maybe even a year or so now. You have hit your grove with this person and despite some social issues, you are still in love. So what? He just isn't a social guy, you think to yourself. Not everyone can be the social butterfly I am. Maybe it's just because he is so shy and sensitive. That's what I love about him you think. At least I know what we have is real.
I got a call from Samsung. I was 21, and I had just found out I had booked my first "real job" as an actress. I was going to be appearing in a series of Industrial Ads to be seen all over the world for the Electronics Company, Samsung. It was a 3 week gig that was being shot in Trump Towers. I was the female lead in a series they were basing off of hit soap operas like "Days of Our Lives", to teach Korean businessmen how to speak better English. Glamorous, I know! Well, it was a lot of money, and it would get heavy rotation in Asia. This was really huge for me. So huge that I quit my day job. (in hindshight, real bad move, but I was young and stupid.) This was the best news of my life thus far- a huge, huge paycheck, tons of material for my reel- pro hair and makeup and wardrobe, and it was for Samsung! Yay! Right? Well, when I told my boyfriend the news, I was expecting applause, champagne, and like, I don't know? I hug? Relief? A smile maybe? How bout just a "congratulations" on your hard work kind of thing? Turns out, he not only didn't say "congratulations", he cried. Yup. He cried- and--- wait for it--- he threw a hissy fit. A HISSY FIT!!! He turned it around to him and asked me when it would be his turn for his success? When would he have that great job, that big paycheck? Why did it have to be me... not him...? (his words) At the time, I felt actual remorse. I felt like, by me getting this job, I had, in turn hurt my relationship with Difficult Guy. Who was still "Sensitive Guy" and "Perfect Guy" in my head. Though all signs were pointing to cut and run, I felt actual pity for him, and I felt ashamed of my success. He made me feel bad about a job well done. A job I spent days preparing for with no sleep, just trying to memorize my lines before the big audition. I mean, it wasn't an easy job to book. I should have been patting myself on the back for the moment, but instead I was consoling a needy, insecure, little boy. Did I see something wrong with the picture...? Ahhh.. YEAH. But I still was hoping and praying it would all find a way to work itself out. Well, yeah, I wouldn't be writing this blog if it had...!
YOU DON'T LEAD SEPARATE LIVES ANYMORE
This is next thing I am going to write is tricky, so try and understand me. When you are in a serious relationship, it is good- in fact, it is neccessary to have your own "stuff". The knitting class you go to on Wednesdays, or the raquetball he plays on Fridays. You catch my drift. Do things that enrich yourself- and on your own. Take that yoga class, go for that solo walk to clear your head. Go shopping by yourself. Take a night to stay in and read a book instead of going out with the significant other every now and then. This is healthy behavior. Of course, when you are living with someone, most meals, and most tv shows, and most outside adventures will be done together. And this is a great thing, it really is. But it's a thin, thin, line. You have to keep on with your singular self, and keep up that relationship, (with yourself) I think, first and foremost, no matter how happy or secure you are in any given relationship. This said: don't close yourself off or push your significant other away because you need to blockade yourself in other interests, no. But make sure you check in with you, at least every once and while. This was not something I did, or rather, really knew HOW to do in my first serious relationship, that happened to be with Difficult Guy.
We ate every meal together. We took the train to work together everyday. We watched movies at night together. We saw our friends together- and we no longer had friends we saw alone. I didn't notice it at the time, but looking back now, we really only saw his friends, that were in turn my friends now. And that was incredibly seldom. Because Difficult Guy had been so rude to my friends- they didn't agree with me seeing him. Therefore, I almost altogether stopped seeing my own friends. I don't blame them for disliking him. They all told me that he was not the guy for me. I couldn't see it at the time. But word to the wise guys: if you friends and peers don't like him, and especially if your family doesn't like him (or her)--- try, just try to see where they are coming from. Because I hate to say it: but they are ALWAYS right. They are, afterall, your mirror. Look into it, even if it's ugly- because life is too short to think you know better and make excuses for a deadbeat, am I right?
Having almost totally and completely isolated myself with the Difficult Guy, I started to really get depressed. I wasn't going out with my friends anymore. I wasn't doing things for ME and just ME anymore- it was always an "us". I started to conceal when I would see friends on the sly- it was almost I felt like I was cheating on Difficult Guy, given that he had only negative things to say about almost all my friends. What the heck was going on? I was 22. This was no way to live. I did this little song and dance for another year, believe it or not- and ya know what? Enough came to be enough, and I have never been happier. I suppose all I am trying to say is: listen to your gut: it don't lie! A partnership is JUST that. You see each other when you WANT to- even if you live together. You don't apoligize for your accomplishments, rather celebrate them together. The majority of your friends should mesh well together, and really see why you two are together- why you "work". The Difficult Guy takes many, many forms, and it is important to be able to recognize this. One might even say that Difficult Guy could also be Abusive Guy. Whether it is emotional, physical or otherwise. Here are some links at the bottom of the posting that will give you guidence and help on the subject if your Difficult Guy turns into Abusive Guy. Or if you know someone in need of help or information, send them the links. Because all kidding aside, Difficult Guy is the most unpredictable and inexcuseable of all the "Guys" I have dated. Well, him and the Gay Guy. Didn't see that one coming. (alright, I did!) But damn.
Stay tuned for my next posting: Kathryne Says...Don't Date the Guy That Already Dumped You Once. (Or 3 times)
Helpful Links: http://www.ndvh.org/
http://dahmw.org/#
http://www.womencareshelter.org/
http://verahouse.org/
No comments:
Post a Comment