Sunday, November 22, 2009

My 25th Year

I think I had an idea of what my life might be like by the time I was 25. I think we all did, or do. The middle of you 20's. 5 years to 30? Eek. Keenly knowing how fast the time goes now from middle school to high school, high school to college, and college to the "real" world. I am both excited and exhilerated to see what the next years have to offer. I used to fear getting older, fear that I was missing out on something, or someONE for that matter, and although the range of emotions I feel as I get closer to my 25th ebbs and flows and is constantly changing- the more I realize that I am actually pretty OK.

Of course, on these lovely yearly reminders, we are forced to truly look at our lives, and really examine what has happened in the past year. How have I grown? How have I screwed up? What can I do better? I offer you a very real, and painfully truthful look into my thoughts as I turn the big 2-5, and enter now, my "mid" 20's. (No longer "early") Ahhh...

Relationship wise, this past year might be labeled as a dud for me. At this time last year, I was reeling from the breakup with "Old Guy", and a few months previous to that "Difficult Guy". Now, looking at both of these dudes in hindsight, I wonder what the hell I was thinking. But none the less, I was left a bit upset and very raw after these two large blows. It was certainly a learning year into the world of dating, I suppose. Which brought on all kinds of crazy behavior. That I needed to go thru in order to get to where I am today: Still single, but SO MUCH more secure. My 24th year, I dated a LOT- lots of different kinds of guys (some gay, some drunk...read my previous "Kathryne Says..." posts for a brief history)... but all of them had the same theme: They were BAD DUDES. Bad dudes in the sense that they were into getting down and dirty, but not much else. Maybe, on some level I was conscious of this. I tried to make it in a relatioship with some of these dudes, and none of them panning out, for one reason or another- but then, that lead me to think something else: maybe on some level I AS WELL needed to get down and dirty. With no potential for a lasting relationship. Hmmm.... could a woman be so bold? I suppose I am admitting it is possible. Examining the motley crew of dates and semi-relationships I have had this year, it is a safe assumption that Kathryne needed to get out, get wild, and not feel tied down. That said- I feel I am over this stage, and am much happier staying in and reading a book or clearing out my DVR. My 24th year, I have become much more capable of BEING ALONE. And liking it. I don't want to waste my time of dudes with absolutley no future anymore. I am getting to that place where I think I am ready for the real thing- so I don't need to "sow my wild oats" anymore just to kill time until Mr. Right comes along. (yes, woman have wild oats too.) I am fine with Simon Baker of "The Mentalist" for now. We'll be here. :0)



Career wise, I fear I may in the place I have always dreamed I'd be: Making my own films, and simply getting by in Hollywood. If I couldn't be here and and least try, I would be miserable. I am writing more than ever, and in my 24th year, wrote 3 full length feature scripts. A dramedy, a comedy, and musical of sorts. Regardless- I found a new side to myself that I wasn't sure existed- the hard as nails producer. I am in the process of starring and exec. producing a film that I wrote, and may people are involved, rooting, and counting on me. It's a crazy thing- and I'm not complaining. I guess I always just ask myself, "would my 12 year old self think this cool?" And the answer is yes. I am not complacent, but I am realizing my acheivements for one of the first times, and celebrating them. Which must mean I am growing up a little!

Of course, there have been a few things I would have taken back this year, I have of course screwed up a few times- who hasn't? And I will continue to, I'm sure. I suppose the important thing is that I am still here in LA, chasing my dream, and that in and of itself is a victory in my eyes.