Obsession at the Keyboard

Let me tell you a little dirty secret: I like to, in the comfort of my apartment, late at night, stalk the hell out ex- boyfriends online. This is an embarassing admission, but I felt the need to get it off my chest. I have recently talked to my girlfriends and male friends about this, and they too, apparently, in the dark, after midnight, feel the need to google, or "facebook stalk" their previous lovers gone by. At first I thought I was kind of freak for having such behavior, it was comforting to know I was not alone in this! But that got me to thinking, how did you find out juicy , scandalous, and crippling information about your past loves 30, 20, or even 10 years ago? Simply put: you didn't.

In the days before facebook, twitter, AIM, personal webites, blogs, IPhones and Blackberries, I suppose people just either never spoke to each other again after a breakup, or gulp, waited for the gossip train through the friends of friends to come along. Sometimes I can't stop myself. I wish I could. Because, truly, I don't want to know if bf # 3 just got engaged, or if bf # 6 finally got that amazing job he always wanted. Screw them and their happiness! Right? I don't care about them, they are no longer in my lives, and generally, I never even SPEAK about them once the pain subsides. However, this nagging little voice inside me, late at night tells me to look them up and see how their lives are going. And this does no one any good. Am I just that nosy? Or am I a masochist?

I have learned in general, that when someone asks you how you are, you say, "hey, I'm good, I am up to this, and this and this." And a lot of the times it sounds better than it actually is. Because, you were on that set, you know how you were treated. Or, yeah, I auditioned for a pilot, sure, but everyone else there was thinner than me, and had better clothes on. Regardless, it still SOUNDS good. Same thing goes for facebook or twitter updates. "I'm going out tonight with the most beautiful girl in the world.", "Waking up early for the set of CSI Miami"-- these things sounds great and nice, don't they? But in reality, dude, I saw the chick, and if you call a bleach blond, flat chested, anorexic 12 year old boy body with bug eyes, and a penchant for Tribal tattoos, "the most beautiful girl in the world" -well, hey, we've all got our slutty weaknesses I suppose. And as for the "being on the set of CSI Miami"- if you call getting coffee for the extras and getting paid 8 dollars an hour to be 100 feet AWAY from the set- well, once again, congratufuckinglations.

I realize full well that what I am saying may come off as bitter, or even slightly bitchy. For the record, these are simply examples to make a point. The point is this: We all have those people in our life that beat us for something, maybe they broke our hearts, or maybe they broke our spirit. It's human nature to want to know how their lives are, who they're dating, what new and exciting things they might be doing without you. No one will slight you for simply being curious. But I encourage you, as I have had to encourage myself, to be strong enough to let them update, let them emote, and let them be happy and show it- without it ruining your day. And stop with the vomit inducing statuses of your own. "So depressed today. " "Missing you" , "Didn't think this day could get worse."

This obsession must stop in order for US to live a healthy and forward moving existence. Do what you must: defriend, block, erase. Or just stop looking if you think you're strong enough. Whatever you do, just stop letting yourself go there. Even if you have to make up a fake status. "I had an awesome day today! Love my life!" Hell, maybe go as far as telling a little white lie like, "Thinking of someone special." Don't self-help gurus tell us to fake it till we make it? Do just that. If I know anything, ain't nothing wrong with being a little less than truthful if it makes you feel better at the end of the day, and it isn't hurting anyone. (On that note, don't make up a full blown relationship, because, that, my friends, I can guarantee, will blow up in your pretty little faces. :0) )