Kathryne Says... Don't Date the Difficult Guy

Difficult Guys are all around. It's hard to lump them into one specific catergory and just simply call them "Difficult". Difficult Guy also goes under the guise of Moody Guy, Brooding Guy, Mother Issues Guy, and Fear of Abandonment Guy. And maybe a little bit of Controlling Guy as well. The spectrum is certainly large. And don't worry- I'll cover all the bases! Cuz if he's crying in a corner, arguing with your friends, and listening to Annie Lennox nonstop, I've probably dated him! I have girlfriends that will argue that every guy they've dated and subsequently broken up with has been "Difficult" in some way. This I won't argue with...they've yet to prove me wrong. Come on fellas! What's the problem?

Difficult Guy, I will tell you straight off the bat, was my Long Term Guy. Long Term as in 4 years, and 2 of those years I lived with him. The signs were there from the beginning, but, just like anything, if you tell yourself to brush it off, and accept it as "normal" behavior, you will. And you will suffer for it. You know you are dating the Difficult Guy when:

YOUR FRIENDS HATE HIM

You're in love. Or you think you could be someday with this great guy you just started to see. He is sensitive to your needs and generally seems quite attentive. You've been dating for a few months now, and your friends start wondering where you've dissapeared to. Once your only strongholds, you have let them fall by the wayside a little bit, in exchange for your new guy time. Well, this is now serious, and you two are officially a couple. Time for Difficult Guy to get to know your best friends, and welcome him to the group. (Of course, Difficult Guy is not Difficult Guy yet, he is still Perfect Guy at this moment) You're sure now is the time for the big introduction. If it went anything like mine went, don't wait around for another 3 years to see if he gets more friendly in social situations. He won't!

Difficult Guy and all my closest friends in the world met at my most favorite diner one night. French Fries, beers, and good times? Yes? Well, no, not really. After talking up Difficult Guy for what seemed to be forever, my friends were dying to meet the man who had so eloquently swept me off my feet. The initial meeting went well: shaking of hands, hugs, and the "oh you're the one who...(insert funny story)." Well, after about an hour or so, I noticed that my darling boyfriend was... sulking... this is the only word I can use to describe this behavior. While my good friends and I were telling hilarious stories of growing up, and school, all while trying to include him and get him to join in, he was, sitting back in his chair, slumped over, arms crossed, and being totally and completely silent. I was starting to get embarrased. After all- this was the guy that for so long I had been talking up as the cream of the crop! What the hell is going on?! To be fair, it wasn't just a group of girlfriends. It was me, a few girlfriends, a few gay guy friends, and 2 other straight guys. A good mix. Difficult Guy had brought along one of his friends as well to even it out. My best friend tried to include him- asking him open ended questions, really trying to engage him: nothing. He grimaced. He didn't smile, and he was very, very short with his answers, only opening his mouth when he had to. I took him aside, which was also, very, very embarrassing. I asked him, hey, what's wrong sweetheart? He told me, that he was having a horrible time, he thought my friends were self obsessed, the food sucked, and that he wanted to leave. He was angry that all of the things that we were talking about had something to do with me. That it was all about me and my stories, and anecdotes, and that he felt like no one was asking him any questions or cared about him. Well, this was shocking, especially because I had seen 3 of my friends really try and ask him some questions, that, in turn, Difficult Guy answered rather rudely to. Another thing at that point that concerend me was that we had only been with my friends for about an hour- and Difficult Guy was alread tired of hearing funny stories about my college days? It was all about me for about an hour, and he couldn't handle that? What further perplexed me was that, I had met several of his friends already. One of them did nothing short of grope my boob and tell me I was "hot stuff", and the other one was so unbelieveably pretentious and full of himself, I couldn't stand it. But at the time, I did nothing but smile and say, "yeah, you're friends are awesome!".... because.... well, they were HIS friends. And that's what you do... especially in the beginning of a relationship- you try to be cordial, and understanding, and open- and give people a chance! So what the heck was going on? Why was my new boyfriend pouting in the corner when the all the attention was shifted to me for a mere moment? I should also point out- I am an actress and singer. So sometimes, in my career, all the attention is going to be on me... how is he going to deal with that? Well, time would tell, I thought, and it sure did.

HE GETS JEALOUS OF YOU

So, it's been a few months, maybe even a year or so now. You have hit your grove with this person and despite some social issues, you are still in love. So what? He just isn't a social guy, you think to yourself. Not everyone can be the social butterfly I am. Maybe it's just because he is so shy and sensitive. That's what I love about him you think. At least I know what we have is real.

I got a call from Samsung. I was 21, and I had just found out I had booked my first "real job" as an actress. I was going to be appearing in a series of Industrial Ads to be seen all over the world for the Electronics Company, Samsung. It was a 3 week gig that was being shot in Trump Towers. I was the female lead in a series they were basing off of hit soap operas like "Days of Our Lives", to teach Korean businessmen how to speak better English. Glamorous, I know! Well, it was a lot of money, and it would get heavy rotation in Asia. This was really huge for me. So huge that I quit my day job. (in hindshight, real bad move, but I was young and stupid.) This was the best news of my life thus far- a huge, huge paycheck, tons of material for my reel- pro hair and makeup and wardrobe, and it was for Samsung! Yay! Right? Well, when I told my boyfriend the news, I was expecting applause, champagne, and like, I don't know? I hug? Relief? A smile maybe? How bout just a "congratulations" on your hard work kind of thing? Turns out, he not only didn't say "congratulations", he cried. Yup. He cried- and--- wait for it--- he threw a hissy fit. A HISSY FIT!!! He turned it around to him and asked me when it would be his turn for his success? When would he have that great job, that big paycheck? Why did it have to be me... not him...? (his words) At the time, I felt actual remorse. I felt like, by me getting this job, I had, in turn hurt my relationship with Difficult Guy. Who was still "Sensitive Guy" and "Perfect Guy" in my head. Though all signs were pointing to cut and run, I felt actual pity for him, and I felt ashamed of my success. He made me feel bad about a job well done. A job I spent days preparing for with no sleep, just trying to memorize my lines before the big audition. I mean, it wasn't an easy job to book. I should have been patting myself on the back for the moment, but instead I was consoling a needy, insecure, little boy. Did I see something wrong with the picture...? Ahhh.. YEAH. But I still was hoping and praying it would all find a way to work itself out. Well, yeah, I wouldn't be writing this blog if it had...!

YOU DON'T LEAD SEPARATE LIVES ANYMORE

This is next thing I am going to write is tricky, so try and understand me. When you are in a serious relationship, it is good- in fact, it is neccessary to have your own "stuff". The knitting class you go to on Wednesdays, or the raquetball he plays on Fridays. You catch my drift. Do things that enrich yourself- and on your own. Take that yoga class, go for that solo walk to clear your head. Go shopping by yourself. Take a night to stay in and read a book instead of going out with the significant other every now and then. This is healthy behavior. Of course, when you are living with someone, most meals, and most tv shows, and most outside adventures will be done together. And this is a great thing, it really is. But it's a thin, thin, line. You have to keep on with your singular self, and keep up that relationship, (with yourself) I think, first and foremost, no matter how happy or secure you are in any given relationship. This said: don't close yourself off or push your significant other away because you need to blockade yourself in other interests, no. But make sure you check in with you, at least every once and while. This was not something I did, or rather, really knew HOW to do in my first serious relationship, that happened to be with Difficult Guy.

We ate every meal together. We took the train to work together everyday. We watched movies at night together. We saw our friends together- and we no longer had friends we saw alone. I didn't notice it at the time, but looking back now, we really only saw his friends, that were in turn my friends now. And that was incredibly seldom. Because Difficult Guy had been so rude to my friends- they didn't agree with me seeing him. Therefore, I almost altogether stopped seeing my own friends. I don't blame them for disliking him. They all told me that he was not the guy for me. I couldn't see it at the time. But word to the wise guys: if you friends and peers don't like him, and especially if your family doesn't like him (or her)--- try, just try to see where they are coming from. Because I hate to say it: but they are ALWAYS right. They are, afterall, your mirror. Look into it, even if it's ugly- because life is too short to think you know better and make excuses for a deadbeat, am I right?

Having almost totally and completely isolated myself with the Difficult Guy, I started to really get depressed. I wasn't going out with my friends anymore. I wasn't doing things for ME and just ME anymore- it was always an "us". I started to conceal when I would see friends on the sly- it was almost I felt like I was cheating on Difficult Guy, given that he had only negative things to say about almost all my friends. What the heck was going on? I was 22. This was no way to live. I did this little song and dance for another year, believe it or not- and ya know what? Enough came to be enough, and I have never been happier. I suppose all I am trying to say is: listen to your gut: it don't lie! A partnership is JUST that. You see each other when you WANT to- even if you live together. You don't apoligize for your accomplishments, rather celebrate them together. The majority of your friends should mesh well together, and really see why you two are together- why you "work". The Difficult Guy takes many, many forms, and it is important to be able to recognize this. One might even say that Difficult Guy could also be Abusive Guy. Whether it is emotional, physical or otherwise. Here are some links at the bottom of the posting that will give you guidence and help on the subject if your Difficult Guy turns into Abusive Guy. Or if you know someone in need of help or information, send them the links. Because all kidding aside, Difficult Guy is the most unpredictable and inexcuseable of all the "Guys" I have dated. Well, him and the Gay Guy. Didn't see that one coming. (alright, I did!) But damn.


Stay tuned for my next posting: Kathryne Says...Don't Date the Guy That Already Dumped You Once. (Or 3 times)


Helpful Links: http://www.ndvh.org/

http://dahmw.org/#

http://www.womencareshelter.org/

http://verahouse.org/

*Sigh* My Gilt-y Pleasure

This posting is from my guest blogger, Chris Holmes, who represents my East Coast perspective on all things fashion, living, and general fabulousness. She will be contributing regularly to balance out my West Coast musings! My bestest since 4th grade, Chris lives and works in Boston, MA. We have a shared love of Wegman's subs, Tina Turner, and late night mayo hair masks. I also knew her when she was Christy ;0)

Hi. My name is Chris and I'm a shopaholic. Hi, Chris!

Wait - that's not entirely true anymore. I've been much better (much, much better) lately in regards to staying within budget. No longer do I allow myself to meander through Downtown Crossing and Faneuil Hall during what often turned into very expensive lunch hours. I've been filing all my shopping emails away into a "Shopping" folder in my Gmail as they come in (can't quite bear to delete them all together).

There are certain sites, however, that I can't quite stop checking. That fabulous site is Gilt. It's not somewhere I usually end up buying things, since even at discounted prices, many of the designer digs are still quite pricey, to put it lightly. additionally, by the time I get to the site - new sales start at noon each day - my size is usually sold out. When that happens, I take it as a sign. When I saw this grey Carolina Herrera dress, I was in love. At $498 (on sale from $1,890), it still wasn't in my price-range. Not by a long shot. I also loved the Carolina Herrera fuchsia dress - both are perfect work/night dresses. With the fuchsia dress also being $498 (from $1,990 this time), it was also something I wasn't about to purchase to wear occasionally at work.

My question: why can't this model smile?? She has a sort of half-smile while in the pink dress...but not really. She's wearing $2,000 dresses, what's not to be happy about??

Click here to view Chris's blog "Miss Chris"!! http://cusechris13.wordpress.com/

The evidence: Me on the left, Chris on the right...

7th grade musical theater buddies! Some bonds never break, and some sequins were not meant to be forgotten. In this case, however, maybe- I purposely made this picture small so you can't see the pimples and hideous makeup jobs... Love ya Chris! (haha, sorry... )

Kathryne Says... Don't Date the Old Guy.

Old Guy came to me in a moment of shear and total devastation. I was 23, and had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship. A relationship that for 2 of the 4 years, I lived with the guy. 3 weeks out of this long relationship (the 1st real relationship I had ever had.), Old Guy started to court me. At the time, my life was in shambles. I was broke, jobless, just started living in a studio apartment by myself, and I had also gained the obligatory break up weight- so my self esteem was shot to hell. I had no idea what what I was getting myself into.

I had been babied and sheltered from a lot of "real world" realities by my parents, and subsequently by my long term b/f, so once I was out on my own for the very first time, I felt like I belonged sitting at the kid's table, not with the adults. In hindsight, I won't say that Old Guy completely preyed on my naivity, but, well, fine, I will say it: Old Guy TOTALLY preyed on my basketcased, schismed life. (At the time.) This is not to say that all Old Guys will do this, but having been in the dating game much, much longer than us in our early to mid 20's- he knew how to manipulate a situtaion, and honestly, there are some guys out there- and some women for that matter- that simply like projects. That like "broken" people- and sadly, use someone else's pain for their own advantage. Let me break down my experience for you.

Old Guy was 34. I was 23. When he asked me out, I was completely and totally blindsighted because I was feeling pretty worthless at the time of my breakup with Longterm Guy. The relationship had taken everything out of me. It was so all emcompassing, that I wasn't sure I knew who I was without him- I was lost, devastated, and completely clueless. Old Guy took me out for a really, really nice, expensive dinner. I had never been to a restaurant like this- it was beyond fancy... I was certainly underdressed in my hot pink Old Navy lacy tank top, black zip up skirt from H&M, and Chinese Laundry platform pumps. I felt out of place. But maybe this is what dating an older gentleman is like? No more dinners at In and Out or Subway? Maybe it would be champagne and Chicken Marsala every night? Wow. Maybe I could get used to this...

At dinner I talked about my life in NY, and desparately tried to make sure I sounded intelligent, not like a stupid chick in her 20's only interested in frivolous things. I also tried very hard not to talk about the ex. But it was still on my mind- I had only barely moved out and away from him, and here I was now with a NEW man. I was ill- prepared for what happened next.

After dinner, Old Guy took me to his very adult apartment. I felt like I was 12 years old in comparison. My apartment was decorated with pink and purple polka dots, posters from movies I loved, and old photographs my mother took in the 70's. It was also a mess. Old Guy's apartment was clean and perfect. With beige and black as the theme colors- everything matched, his huge LCD TV screen spralled the entire length of the wall. He had a beautiful balcony, and only really healthy food in his kitchen. I didn't want to even touch anything- it almost felt sterile. In a very adult and sophisticated way. We made our way to the couch and started making out. I hadn't been with many men. In fact, my number was pretty low. I also- and this is the God's honest truth- didn't know how pacing went in the world of dating. Because, at 23, I had never really dated. My first and only relationship started when I was still in college at 19, and was a friendship that turned into kissing that then turned into love. So on the "getting to know you basis" of dating- I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I was very much a novice. Maybe it was just simply stupidity or the inability to say "no" at the time, but I was also just trying to move on. Old Guy slipped my bra off within 10 minutes of making out. Had this been high school or college, I would have slapped his face and walked out. But now, I was in the "real world". Was I prude? He is 34, he is an adult, and if I can't keep up, then he will just find someone else. And he wants ME now. Go with it, dummy. So I did.

It is my personal belief that whenever it is that one enters "the real world" - whether it is after high school at 18, or after college at 22, or after grad school at 25, that even though your driver's liscence SAYS you are an adult- you really aren't. Not quite yet. See, I had been out in the "real world" since I was 21. But I had never been alone, and I was not privy to so many things. It takes years of working a job, making your rent, and learning lessons the hard way to make an adult. And some of us never get there. Come on, we all have that Uncle Bernie that's 50, never married, works in "business" or finance" and cruises women half his age. I believe that until you've had your heart broken into a thousand pieces, until you've tried your damndest for a job and lost it, until you've been so broke you couldn't afford bread, and until you realize that there a million other people better and more talented than you for any given job, and that there is nothing you can do about it- then you aren't an adult. Being an adult means not only being responsible blah,blah, blah, but also having humility. I haven't reached that point yet, even now. I still believe I am the best person you will ever find for the job, that someday I will develop the ability to fly, and that every single one of my dreams will come true. (And that unicorns exist in a land called Zambia.) Being an adult to me is letting reality sink in. Admitting your shortcomings. Given thatI haven't really done this yet, I will go out on a limb and say that maybe when you turn 30, you are officially an adult. I digress.

Old Guy and I slept together the first date. It was pretty horrible. I didn't know what I was doing, and I was super uncomfortable the whole time. When you are in a relationship, you get used to your partner's ticks and what not. I was not at all prepared to be with someone new. But I told myself that this was a neccessary step to moving on. Old Guy then played the waiting game with me. In the months that we went out, he told me that I was "amazing" but that he just didn't want to jump into a "full blown relationship" yet. In m eyes, if you are going out to dinner with someone regularly, and sleeping with them: this is a relationship. Word to the wise: listen to the WORDS that your partner or lover is saying to you. I thought, well, ok, sure you don't want a relationship, but you continue to call me and see me at least once a week. We are b/f and g/f. Old Guy liked to talk down to me in a condescending way. Being 23 and a newbie to Los Angeles, Old Guy liked to tell me what to do- what car insurance to have, what grocery store to go to, what outfit to wear. I didn't really mind at first. I simply just thought, well, he is older, so he knows- I should listen and take the advice. But in reality, Old Guy just really wanted someone younger to dare I say--- control? I was like a blank canvas, and he prided himself on being able to fill out my colors. Old Guy wasn't affectionate. I wasn't used to this. He didn't really like kissing- instead he went straight for the kill. He also didn't like communicating. The only time I talked to him was when we set up plans to see each other. I would send texts like "Miss you" or " I wish you were here with me" , or "Hope your day is going well!! :0) " And he never responded. I started thinking that I was just a juvinile joke. That I was back in high school again. Old Guy knew he could have things on HIS TERMS because I was putty. A young, inexperienced mess of a girl. All of it was true. And he knew it. Which is why, in hindsight, yes, I do think of him as an ass.

Old Guy broke up with me on a Friday night. He was supposed to pick me up to take me to a movie. We had planned it all week. Old Guy came over at 8pm, and sat on my electric blue corderoy couch from Ikea. He checked his phone while simotaneously telling me that he just "Didn't want this anymore." At this point in our sad little trist, I knew I wasn't into him, I knew he wasn't the one, I knew he hadn't treated me right. But I was desparately trying to hold onto it because I felt it was all I had that was keeping me together. Up until that point, I had never really been single or comepletely alone. If I could just maybe cling to this a little while longer, maybe I would be ok. He walked out at 8:15 and went to the bar with his buddies. I played it as cool as I could at the time. No tears. Well, until he walked out of the building no tears. Once I heard the door shut, I fell to my knees involuntarily and sobbed. And uncontrolably I might add. I realized at that moment, and not before, that I was weeping not really for Old Guy, but for all the pain and suffering I never allowed myself to feel from the Long Term Guy months earlier. Since Old Guy and I started dating RIGHT after my breakup with the 4 year Guy, I didn't have to mourn. I didn't have to feel the emptiness and failure and shear pain of that 1st relationship. That's why I was hanging onto Old Guy for so long. Now, not all May/ December relationships will go like this, and I know that. In a decade or more age difference you will have different cultuaral references, and different memories of things in the past. You may have a different social class, and you may also have a different view of the world. Old Guy for me was a jaded Angeleno with not much hope for the world or for his future. He was a "realist" I thought at the time. Being an adult doesn't mean you are giving up on the world, it means that you accept that there are awful things that happen. You accept there are so many things that you cannot change. But that you overcome- despite all the odds, and you keep going, knowing that sometimes the odds are against you. This is my interpretation of my journey to adulthood anyhow. Go ahead, date older, date younger, date taller, date shorter. Whatever you do though, make sure you are on the same playing field. Make sure that you're even. And don't, under any circumstances ever feel that simply because you are younger, that you're opinions and thoughts don't matter as much. When you start to feel that way in your own Old Guy relatioship, it's time to cut the cord and start figuring out what you actually want out of this life and in a man. Not just what they told you to want. Dating older won't fix your problems or enlighten your life that much more than a man your own age. So unless you simply just want a big pay day like Anna Nicole- I suggest you stay relatively close within your age range. And if you DO decide to go older, know what you may be getting yourself into. Saggy balls and toe rot.

Yes, I just said that. :0)

Coming soon: Kathryne Says... Don't Date the Difficult Guy (Otherwise knows as "the guy no one likes but you")

Kathryne Says...Don't Date the Gay Guy

I have a confession to make. I dated a gay guy. And no, I didn’t know it. What a moron, eh? But don’t be so quick to judge- there may have been some kind of gay love affair in your past as well- maybe you just weren't keen to it! This was a common theme for me. Though I have literally only dated one gay guy, I have had big crushes on two or three. Blame this on being a musical theater enthusiast? Possibly. But chances are, if you live in a big city or cultural metropolis of some kind- you have fallen for a gay dude. Ever meet a guy that seems straight in person but in photographs has a perpetual case of the “gay face” ? Perez Hilton uses this term for celebrities like Chace Crawford and Jonathon Reese Myers. Sometimes this is a gray area, but in the future, I must encourage you to follow my advice: If he looks Gay, walks Gay, and most of all- photographs Gay. He’s freakin’ gay. (Go back and look at some of your prom pictures.) Ain’t nothin’ wrong with it, but time to be honest with yourself!

Gay men are a huge part of my life. My very best male friend happens to be a gay guy, and he is the ying to my yang. The cherry on my sundae. Obviously with a very strong gay male influence in my life, I would CLEARLY be able to pick up on the obvious signs…right? Let me break down the Gay Romance for you, and tell you that although it might be tempting, you should- under NO circumstances- date the Gay Guy. Unless he is your hypothetical Gay Boyfriend, and you get pedicures together. That kind, we all need. Just don’t try and sleep with them, or make out with them when you’re drunk (You know who you are…) , because that’s when the otherwise smart gals get totally screwed up.

Gay Guy approached me in deli. I usually just take the food back to my apartment and eat, but this time, I was super hungry, and couldn’t wait- so I sat down at a table alone and started munching on my sandwich. In rolled in Gay Guy. Yes. He was on rollerblades. RED FLAG #1. He was wearing jeans that hugged his crotch, and he sported an ass that only a dancer or gymnast could have. RED FLAG #2. He wore a black hat with the “Wicked” logo on it, and he was wearing a size small tee shirt with an equally small jean jacket, one button done. RED FLAG #3. I noticed him noticing me across the deli, and after he got his food, he asked if he could sit down at my table. My interest peaked immediately, my brain squeeled in delight: “Yay! A new Gay friend for LA, you don’t have any out here yet! Yipee!”

After sitting and talking for about 40 mins, I learned that he was from the Midwest and in LA to pursue musical theater. (???) He then explained how his Dad doesn’t speak to him anymore because he thought he was gay. Gay Guy then went on to tell me that he was not, in fact homosexual. Not at all he said. He “loved” women, and being gay wasn’t something he had a problem with, but he was not, absolutely not playing for the boy’s team. Hmmmm. RED FLAG #4. (Within minutes of meeting me he needed to explain his sexuality…?) He asked me out. At first I wasn’t even really considering this as a date. But I had nothing to do that night, he seemed really fun, and I didn’t want to go to the movies alone. He rollerbladed home. I took my car. A few hours later we went to the movies. He kept complimenting me on my outfit and make up. RED FLAG #5. He was so sweet- bought refreshments, and kept going on and on about what he liked about me. It was kind of weird. On one hand, it’s slightly disarming when someone is that forward with you. On the other, it was kind of NICE to hear these things about myself. Finally, someone noticed the care and detail that went into my perfectly shaped eyeliner! During the movie he very slyly put his hand around my shoulder and then he tried to kiss me. I laughed. I didn’t mean to, but I still wasn’t buying the Straight card he was dealing, and plus I just met him. Please. I am a LADYYY. ( If you read the Drunk Guy post, you probably know that that isn’t ENTIRELY true…) I played the laugh off as me being coy.

Later we went for a long walk around the city. He held my hand. He was still wearing the tight jeans. He was really, really, in shape- as most dancers are. He went on and on about old g/f’s in his past, his hard family life, convincing his conservative parents we wasn’t gay. I kind of felt bad for him. He WAS cute. And very available. Eh, what the hell? I know super effeminate guys that get married and have kids, and are perfectly straight- it’s just the way they were built. Whatever, I’m progressive and non judgemental- let’s give it try! What’s the worst that could happen? He adores me! We dated for about 6 weeks.

Strangely, Gay Guy was winning me over. I knew this guy wasn’t completely Mr. Right: afterall, he had asked me to be his girlfriend after the 1st date. He called me all the time. He took me out a lot. This was not the kind of guy I was used to: everything was EASY! There was no muss, no fuss…I knew how he felt about me. It was kind of… nice… for awhile. I let myself believe that there was nothing wrong with the fact that he knew more Musical facts than me, that the huge rip on the seat of his pants was “fashionable” when maybe, it was more “functionable” , and that he constantly needed validation that he was, in fact straight as an arrow. I broke it off after I realized that though I am willing to comprimise on a lot, I am not willing to be a beard. (A very fabulous and stunning beard, I might add.) He didn’t take it badly at all, and it seemed that we went to sort of being friends. Talking every now and then. I still didn’t know that he was officially gay then, I just knew that I wasn’t attracted to him, and didn’t want him as a b/f. Then one day on facebook his relationship status changed to with a dude. A dude I knew. And apparently they are living happily ever after in their Musical theater dreamland of Rollerblades and concealer. I have no regrets- more power to em! I will leave you with this: A Gay B/F is something we have all had from time to time. But if your Gay B/F goes from someone you would see a chick flick with to someone you are sleeping with, ask yourself this: Do his shoes match his bag? If the answer is yes, wake up and smell the Gay Roses my dears. (Tea Roses I would imagine.) And if he has a bag period, just politely ask him if he’d rather go shopping instead. I bet he’ll say yes. :0)

Coming soon: Don't Date the Old Guy.

Romance: Just a Dance Away

I think I have spent the majority of my life wanting real romance. Th kind you see in the movies. As young girls and adolescents watching movies like "Titanic" or "Sixteen Candles"- of course this is something we strive for. I think that's why when we get it- it's almost shocking. I am not talking candle lit dinners, or meaningful sex. Those things are fantastic, but not old fashioned romance. I am talking those beautiful, spontaneous moments that just happen to arise when you least expect it. When I think about the most romantic moments of my life, the ones that will go down in the history books- Almost all of them involve dancing of some kind. Now, most of you will say "How original, your prom was romantic!" But, actually, none of my 3 moments involved the prom. So there, prom queens! (I was 215 lbs at my prom with bad acne and no eyebrows. I blossomed well after high school into a size 6 with better fashion sense- the prom for me was- well- you can imagine... not the most magical night of my life...to say the least...)

Let me preface this post with: get ready for some possibly cheesy moments- but come on, we all got 'em. I'm just sharing mine with you!

I chose 3 moments because it's a nice, clean number. There are, of course other tiers- but these 3 moments would be my top-most tiers. The first one was with the first boyfriend I ever had. He was visting me in New York City. He was the first guy I ever loved. During our honeymoon phase, a month into the relationship, he took me to Lincoln Center by the fountain. We liked to go there and just stare at how pretty it was. Sometimes there would be a string orchestra playing outside. It was the coldest day of the year, very late at night. After looking at the fountain for some time, he just looked me in the eyes, and then he threw his gloves off, took my hands and pulled my gloves off as well, he put his warm, sweaty hands in mine. He then put his hands around my face and told me that he wanted to be with me forever, and that this was the happiest moment of his life so far. He kissed me. This was very theatrical, but, in my 19 year old eyes, it was perfect. We walked home hand in hand and got cupcakes.


For the 2nd, I was in dance class, not one of my strong holds at the Conservatory in NYC. I was always a much better singer and actor. Dancing was never my thing because I have DD's, and was always very self conscious. I had slimmed down in school, but I really didn't like the idea of having to dance with a partner. We had gotten to the semester where we not only had to partner, but we had to do lifts. This was my worst nightmare. I didn't want ANYONE to support my weight, I became completely mortified. I was afraid I might make some of the--- let's call them "fabulous" boys buckle. So, whenever it came to the lifts in our dances, everyone would follow the cheorography, and I wouldn't let the boy, whoever I was paired with, lift me. I would fake it. Kind of like Baby in "Dirty Dancing". It's all about trust. I didn't trust my body with anyone but me. My dancing teacher, who had been on Broadway as a dancer in many shows, insisted that that lifts were simply up to the girl, because the girl more or less balances herself on the guy. The guy merely stands there, and offers up his hands to guide you, and keep you even. In standard lifts, the girl's weight is usually held up by the girl. In the lifts we were doing anyhow. I still couldn't allow myself to do this.

At this time I was a size 6, not heavy, but I still could not allow myself to trust someone with my weight. I was crippled by it, and it was humilating. In the face of adversity, I rely on my humor. I would joke around, make fun of the dance teacher, or make complete light of it, but inside, I just wished I could get it together. I was so afraid that if I DID take the risk, and attempt the lift and FAIL, or even worse, have the guy not be able to support me and have to put me down, I might just have to quit school, because I would never be able to show my face there again. My dance teacher cornered me after class one night and told me that he didn't appreciate me "screwing around" - and that a bad dance grade would effect my overall Conservatory GPA. The next class, one of the straight guys, who, I coincidentally always had a huge crush on, came up to me and told me that he wanted to help me do the lift. This guy was not only very handsome, but 6 feet tall and pretty muscular. I still couldn't agree. Everytime we went for the lift I would fall like putty onto the ground- it was starting to not be funny anymore- even to me. At the next run thru, before we started, he looked me in the eyes, and said, " I know why you don't want to do the lift. You used to be fat. It's ok, I used to be fat too." I was kind of offended. He said to me, "You can trust me, all you have to do is jump, and I will take care of the rest. " He was so cute. So convincing. Maybe I just needed the strong reassurance from someone. The next time we went thru it, we got to the lift, I closed my eyes, and jumped really high. He assisted me into the lift seamlessly. He kept me up there a little longer than the beat allowed, but for 4 seconds I soared. Time stopped, I was literally on top of the world. I had never seen things from this view before, it was so liberating. So easy. He was so STRONG. The class clapped for me at the end, and I nailed the dance at finals. This is romantic moment number 2 for me because up until that point, I had never allowed a man to pick me up. Even in jest. He supported me in ways he will never know, and I will never forget it, even to this day. Also because I still have a crush on the guy, 5 years later. ;0)

The thrid moment came with a guy that I wasn't sure I was dating. Ever have one of those? We had been on many "dates", and spent the majority of our free time together, like friends do. We had kissed and done the physical thing, but never talked about what we "were". I was never one for pushing, so I just went with it. Even though I wanted to tell this guy, after months of the merry-go-round that I was ready for a relationship, and that I had fallen in love with him. I had it real bad for this guy. Sometimes we acted like best friends. Sometimes we acted like lovers. It was excrutiating and exhilerating at the same time. As adults, I wasn't sure if we were supposed to even HAVE the " are we boyfriend and girlfriend?" talk. Maybe once you're in your 20's you just assume? Regardless. It was unclear. All I knew was that I loved this guy. Very much, and I was pretty sure he might feel the same way, but until it's said, you can never know.... right? That night we had watched a movie at home and sat for hours talking. No kissing. I wasn't sure what was going on. I was reaching a frustration point. The credits to the movie began. I thought this might be the perfect time to ask him everything that was on my mind- maybe clear things up. Instead, he stood up in the dark living room lit by the tv screen playing slow jazz music to the credits. He held out his hand. "Do you wanna dance with me, Kathryne?"

WHOOAAA... now- I know what you're thinking- CORNY- but go with it. And imagine the person that you are in love with offering this, when everything is still so new and uncharted.

I looked up at him. Kind of shocked, we had never danced before. In fact, when does anyone dance anymore? At weddings, maybe... unless you're "goin to the club..." , you really aren't going to have a chance to dance with anyone. Dancing is- sensual, and sweet, and so, so, so ever romantic. It's kind of feminine, so for a guy to dance with you- slow like that- it's just kind of special. It was to me anyhow. We danced until the credits were over, real slow- like, bodies pressed against one another, cheek to cheek. Just like in the song! It's old fashioned, but let me tell you something- it's hot. But most of all, it sweet. And in that moment- when we danced even past the time there was no music playing, just by the light of the TV- he was showing me, not telling me, but showing me how he cared. Maybe I don't give guys enough credit sometimes, I tend to bash their communication skills. But sometimes they communicate in different ways. This way worked. Really well. It's my favorite of the moments I have had. Maybe because I am a movie buff, and me, being a movie buff, enjoys huge romantic gestures. Because they don't happen often. You're lucky if you just get a few in your lifetime.


The funny thing about all of these moments, is that I am no longer with any of these guys. Hell, I was never even dating the lift guy! Just had a crush on him! But regardless, just because I am not with any of these people doesn't mean I look back at any of these moments and think any less of them. Bad breakup or not, I still look back with nostaligia. And hope that one day, if I'm lucky, I might find that kind of spontaneous, non -"heart-shaped candy box" kind of romance again. Some people my age don't have any real romantic memories. Some people in their 40's don't. Some people never do. I'm not talking Hallmark card romance, or diamond earring romance. Have you been lucky enough to have such a thing? We all define it differently, but I think the underlying factor in all of these moments is trust. Trusting that others might be able to support you, surprise you when you least expect it, or maybe even be willing to put on their dancing shoes.