Kathryne Says... Don't Date the Guy Who Thinks You're Soulmates After the First Date

So. You met him. He was nice. He was very polite. He maybe held the door open for you at Starbucks, or you worked with him once on set or something like that. He wasn't too handsome or dashing. No, you'd remember that. You would have been intimidated if he had been too attractive. No, Soulmate Guy was alright looking. He had a scruffy beard and maybe, in my case, fooled you upon the first meeting. But more on that later. He SEEMED nice enough. When he asked you out, you thought to yourself, "well, it HAS been awhile since I have been out with someone new. Let's just give him a chance even though I am feeling rather 'meh' about this guy..."

You show up. 8pm. A diner. Seems harmless enough. You purposely told him you would drive yourself, instead of him picking you up because if you need to get the hell out of their fast, at least you won't be at the mercy of his car. This was just my thinking anyhow. Call me paranoid and untrusting, but this IS Los Angeles.

You walk in. You see a man wearing a Renaissance Fair costume. Poor bastard. What a moron, wearing that shit out in public. A full on cape with the fucking boots and hat with a goddamn feather in it. You check your watch. It's a little early, you'll wait in the lobby- or better yet, go to the ladies room to freshen up. When you exit the ladies room, back into the lobby, you see in front of you, your worst fear realized. Soulmate Guy was the dude wearing the Renaissance getup. He was waiting by the ladies room door for some reason, as if that wasn't disturbing enough in itself. He's seen you now, and has you cornered so it's too late to run. I go to this diner all the time- what if one of my friends, or gulp- even worse- one of my EX BOYFRIEND'S sees me with this clown! What is my life coming to?? This is starting to feel reminiscent high school... Well, too late to be the bitch that stands up the dude, so come on, let's bring on this nightmare. Woooo.

What made this worse, was that, in general, I am far too nice. I am more cynical and biting in my fake life, which lives in my screenplays and blogs. In real life- I am the cutie that will let you walk all over me. Not proud of that, but it's true. I have a big heart, what can I say? Hell, maybe I am too judgemental. Maybe I could make a nice life for myself with freak who wears buckskin in his bedsheets. Shit.

He ordered gravy, chicken, something southern that I would never think would go together- it didn't- but he ate it anyway. He put maple syrup on gravy and chicken and like, some corn thing. It was...gross. I digress. I ordered coffee, lots of it, and poked at some undercooked eggs in disgust. Even the food sucked. Would I get no satisfaction out of this date? Can't even drown my sorrows in some greasy diner food? Dammit! He was talking about his job- I am not a bitch- I was truly trying to give him a chance. I was!! But he worked for a Psychic Hotline! It's like he is writing the material FOR me. His overgrown beard was now ripe with pieces of his dinner. He was surprisingly very arrogant. He would not stop talking about how great of a writer he is/how amazing an actor he is/ and how he has slept with many, many women. And he is ready to settle down now. The thing is- I know all of this was compensating. I mean, obviously if you're going to list your accomplishments like that, you are self conscious about something. But who cares? It's such a turnoff!

The next bomb he dropped was that he was a Born again Christian who had been "saved" and that, although, he is "very attracted to me" he and I "should wait to have sex" until we are married, because "it's what Jesus would want". Keep 'em comin' cowboy!! On a side note, I love that he thought I wanted sex from him on the first date. That really tickled me. I knew I would never see this guy again after the date, but it suddenly became amusing- I realized this was like watching a trainwreck, and I wasn't ready to leave yet. Call me a masochist. Or just someone who needs to witness obscene human behavior for my--- artistic sense...?

Later on, after he had for about one full hour talked about himself- and ONLY himself- he put his hand on my hand, looked into my eyes, and told me that he was going to thank god he met me tonight, when he said his prayers, because he felt he had just met his "soulmate". MmmmHmmm. Not like I was feeling anything for this guy in the first place, but I had never pegged him to be a "Soulmate Guy!!!" He said we should go to Vegas. And then he said he wasn't joking, He said it had nothing to do with the fact he wanted to sleep with me... yeah. at thispoint, I was going through some phase of shock- I wasn't sure if it was the arrogance, assumption, food in the beard, or the Renaissance Clothes and the vague smell of smoked sausage he wafted. Maybe it was a mix of things. But time is up. I had seen enough. I felt violated, annoyed, and intrigued at the same time.

Had I been the Kathryne that I show in my blogs or one of my heroines in my screenplays, I might have said thank-you for dinner and pointed out all of the things that had gone wrong with the date in a witty and vindictive way. I, however, said thank-you, and never accepted a call from him again. I forgot to mention that night that he in fact, DID propose to me. He gave me a CD. Which actually was kind of sweet, but he got down on one knee and took my hand and asked me to elope with him that night. I am not kidding or exaggerating when I say he cried a little when he asked. I told him I had to get up early. And that I had my period. That's a way to turn 'em off/down girls! "Marry me!"--- "I have my period."--- "Oh. Nevermind." Right???

He sent me a few emails telling me that I was a "great love lost", and that he "doesn't normally show this much emotion to people he doesn't love". At this point I figured, if it were movie, I would either come around and start thinking the animal skin wearing, jerky eating guy was actually for me. Or he would chop me up into little pieces. No, no... haha....

If you find a "Soulmate Guy" approaching on you after a few days of meeting, or someone who might carry a sword and sheath to everyday activities like grocery shopping or playing tennis. Run. Don't be me. Just freakin' run and don't aplogize. But if your "Soulmate Guy" comes upon you after months or years of dating, and is a true love- (ie: not after a day. Or a date. Or over some gravy chicken shit- ain't never gonna happen...) then, I, as Kathryne Says... I give you permission to go forth and be Soulmates together. But then, what do I know? I've now been able to rule out the Gay Guy, the Drunk Guy, the Old Guy, The Difficult Guy, The Guy That Already Dumped Me Once, and now the Soulmate Guy- or should I call him "Renaissance Guy with an Attitude"? Maybe that- regardless- follow your gut, my darlings, and stay tuned for my next installment: Kathryne Says...Don't Don't The Dude That Went/Is IN Jail. Yeah. Keep it comin' homies! I'll keep shovelin' it out!!