I'm having a real hard time wrapping my head around this...

Well, I suppose it was bound to happen. Though I hate admitting inevitability, I am in fact: stuck. I'm getting frosty, kids.

Many times in my life I feel as though I have been presented with a crossroads. Sometimes it's regarding people- men specifically. Sometimes it's when a career change or job prospect presents itself. These are the main ones, and here is the dilemma I am finding myself at today. I always believed in love. In two people completing each other in such a way that was harmonious and beautiful, and LASTING. I always did. I always thought that there would be a happily ever after, a person out there that would be loyal, true, and honest. Now, don't get me wrong: it's not like I don't now-- not REALLY-- but I will tell you, my confidence in men in general is shrinking.

I am not exactly sure when it happened, but I think it's happened over time- and then when 2010 hit: BAM! My expectations are lowering, and I generally think men are pretty simple creatures, easily swayed, and in general: not truthful. Why the sudden change in my attitude? One might argue it was a slew of incredibly bad, if not laughably bad relationships/dating scenarios. That might be it- but it's not just me I'm talking about. I can't think of one girlfriend I have that hasn't been dissappointed/lied to/ manipulated or duped by her man in the past. I can't. And here is the thing: it goes both ways, I know women can be like that as well, and I can only speak for myself as someone who truly wants to find love and not just play with people: but what happened to the fairytale? What happened to happily ever after that doesn't last for 5 minutes, or 5 years, but forever? Not ending in someone cheating, or cyber cheating, or carrying on with a double life, or what have you? What the hell is going on, and when the hell did I get so cynical? I NEVER used to be this way!

Literally, after Old Guy, Drunk Guy, Gay Guy, Girlfriend Guy, and Difficult Guy... I am really starting to feel nothing. Like I expect nothing from the opposite sex. Isn't that terrible? When a cute guy comes along now, I don't get as excited or loopy as I used to. I have a few prospects, maybe even more than a few: let's say a handful. And out of that handful, some very handsome, very accomplished, driven men. Who seem to really be into me. But in the back of my mind, I feel I know what will happen. A let down. Not now, but eventually. Not a great way to go about things, I know, but if it's happened to you time and time and time again, with even what seem to be the nicest, most loyal and shy of guys... it will throw you off too.

Men have short attention spans, and are easily distracted by a nice ass, rack, or other pretty face. Not that it's all about the sex with them. I had one guy tell me once, a guy I was actually IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH AT THE TIME, say, "I fall in love with a new girl everyday- it's about the variety... men need variety...the nerdy girl, the sexy girl, the artistic girl..."

I was mortified. But I have heard this before from other guys friends and or lovers... or former lovers... that men simply love variety... and need it... and it doesn't matter if they love somebody, and the sex is amazing- and they've been together for say, I don't know-- a few years-- even--even if everything is perfect in that way- they STILL feel the need to what?? Spread their seed??

I know how this comes off. Woman scorned, angry, and disillusioned. BUT. I am just trying to understand. I don't. And being a great "gal pal" to many hetero men- I ..... I wish I didn't know what I know. And even if it's not about the cheating, or the lying or the what have you- it seems to be something else. Is it boredom? The lack of core values? What is it? It could be that I am still hurt by the last several relationships that not only severely let me down, but knocked me on my ass. And now, when a nice guy comes into the picture, I feel like I already have them figured out. Like I know what their M.O. is... and I hate that about myself! I am now afraid, that IF a great guy comes along, and truly wants to be with me: I won't recognize it. I feel like I have turned into Miranda from "Sex and the City." Skeptical and cynical. I really wish I could flip a switch to change this. But I can't...men have been too predictable. Men have let me down. Men don't change. Men have not been good to me.

I know what you're thinking. It's me. It's me. Maybe it is. I won't deny that I have a penchant for finding men that in most people's eyes would consider "bad". I like guys that are a challenge. I'll admit it. I like men who are hard to get. I like deeply artistic, deeply emotional, and deeply sensitive men. And those kinds of men- the ones who are writers, actors, directors, photographers, what have you- the ones with creative spirits- they fall in love fast! They feel all kinds of crazy emotions...and relationships with them... can be... explosive... However--- they fall out of love fast too, and they generally- they need a muse. So when they're done with you- they're done with you, and on to the next deeply artistic, feeling girl. That's how I feel anyway. Not to sound so cold. But... many men have told me that they don't believe in monogamy. That they think it's a physical impossibility. I just think it's gross. Seriously. If you're sleeping with someone, and they're all up in someone else's buisness? Ewww.

I'm really, really, really sorry... this is a bitch session at it's best. Maybe it will take meeting that "great" guy. But let me tell you something, I think I know something that the others don't, and I'm going to fill you in on it, so get ready: the real reason I feel this way, and I feel isolated in this, is because I, on more than one occasion, have been the other woman.

It started when I was 13 and my next door neighbor, who was 16 and in highschool, used to ditch his high school g/f to make out with me by the pool. I knew he had a g/f. I knew it was wrong, but I really loved him... he was my first real puppy love- so I let him kiss me, knowing it was wrong. Maybe that's where it all started. I was too young and too shy to say no. So I didn't. But then I felt like hell afterward. Even then. Even when no sex was involved, just young hormones floating around. Then, my senior year, I had lost a bunch of weight, I was the star of the high school musicals, and on my way to NYC to study theater. I was riding high, I looked great, felt great, full of confidence. Same thing. The boy who I was devastatingly in love with, the male lead in our musicals, had a g/f, and I knew I could never have him. They had been together for 4 years, and she even- gulp- slept over at his house! Very adult- they were definitely having sex! I, 18, was NOT. (And didn't until I was 20, ha) But one night, I was helping him with his math homework, pining in our all too platonic relationship, and he reached over and kissed me. And then started feeling my boob. At first I liked it, and then I got scared. "What are you doing?? What about Michelle?? " I said. He told me, " Don't worry, no one has to know. I can't not kiss you. I'm trying not to. But I can't." I should have told him to try harder and shove him off me, but once again, I couldn't. I knew it was wrong. But I simply couldn't say no. I liked him too much. And we were too cute together. In my mind, I definitely thought this meant he was going to dump her, and take me to the senior ball. Alas, that didn't happen. Even though, every week or so, we would get together to make out and such, I would ask him about it, and he would say, "It's not the right time yet." And I would believe him. How about that. In the end, he took Michelle to the prom. I went with my geeky friend Pat, who had large wire rimmed glasses, a comb over (at 18. Yup), and was half my size. In the prom picture, it literally looks like he is my child, not my date. Ahhhh... but, this pattern started very early in my life, and sadly, I let it continue... but here is the secret I was going to share with you all.

Now, at 25, being an actress, and being in, well, some would say, a glamorous city, with a glamorous job, I have seen men do so many despicable things. Traditionally, many people think of actresses as sluts of some kind- prostitutes in a way- anything for the job, right? Well, knowing full well that that is true in some cases, but CERTAINLY not mine, I have been put in several comprising positions with several- shall I say, married or attached men? One I didn't know about. One, well, he made me love him- we courted and then dated for about a year- and then he ripped the rug from underneath me and told me had another woman, and he loved us both. I was shocked, he had done a great job at concealing that- always telling me how much he cared about me, loved me, loved being w/ me, etc. That was a shock. But then, I have worked at tradeshows, been on movie or tv sets, and what have you, and I cannot tell you how many married men, young, old, good looking, or ugly, try to get with the young actresses. And I found this so disturbing. Seeing so many married men... acting like... complete... apes... is just- well, it does something to you.

Some might argue that maybe it's just LA. I would argue that they're right. But that being said-- this is my town. I am an East Coast gal living out here- but this is my home. Where I will be staying indefinitely. And I love artistic men. Maybe that's the problem. Either way, feeling like I have seen more than what I like to admit- probably the way an exotic dancer feels I would imagine... I hate to make that analogy... but I feel like I'm on the other side of this... and it SUCKS!

Sometimes it feels good to vent, eh? I can't say I feel too much better, but I at least got those negative feelings off my chest... I know they will pass. I know it's just a time and a place. But I am ready. I am! I am ready to meet that person that will make me see thing differently. That will make me WANT to see things differently. Or at least give me a reason to. But you men. I tell you. You are really letting us down. Pick up the slack, start bringing a better game...! Because I refuse to settle for you dudes that do this sneaky stuff! ( I am also aware that some changing will have to be done on my part, but I know full well that despite the smack I talk, I would melt into a puddle for a guy that I like. That I could love, that has morals, and is honest and upfront. I would....!) I'm not negative Nancy. I've just become more cautious. I promised to write even when it's not 100% positive, so here it is guys... haha sorry, but I just REALLY needed to get that off my chest! I appreciate it!!