Kathryne Says...Don't Date the Gay Guy

I have a confession to make. I dated a gay guy. And no, I didn’t know it. What a moron, eh? But don’t be so quick to judge- there may have been some kind of gay love affair in your past as well- maybe you just weren't keen to it! This was a common theme for me. Though I have literally only dated one gay guy, I have had big crushes on two or three. Blame this on being a musical theater enthusiast? Possibly. But chances are, if you live in a big city or cultural metropolis of some kind- you have fallen for a gay dude. Ever meet a guy that seems straight in person but in photographs has a perpetual case of the “gay face” ? Perez Hilton uses this term for celebrities like Chace Crawford and Jonathon Reese Myers. Sometimes this is a gray area, but in the future, I must encourage you to follow my advice: If he looks Gay, walks Gay, and most of all- photographs Gay. He’s freakin’ gay. (Go back and look at some of your prom pictures.) Ain’t nothin’ wrong with it, but time to be honest with yourself!

Gay men are a huge part of my life. My very best male friend happens to be a gay guy, and he is the ying to my yang. The cherry on my sundae. Obviously with a very strong gay male influence in my life, I would CLEARLY be able to pick up on the obvious signs…right? Let me break down the Gay Romance for you, and tell you that although it might be tempting, you should- under NO circumstances- date the Gay Guy. Unless he is your hypothetical Gay Boyfriend, and you get pedicures together. That kind, we all need. Just don’t try and sleep with them, or make out with them when you’re drunk (You know who you are…) , because that’s when the otherwise smart gals get totally screwed up.

Gay Guy approached me in deli. I usually just take the food back to my apartment and eat, but this time, I was super hungry, and couldn’t wait- so I sat down at a table alone and started munching on my sandwich. In rolled in Gay Guy. Yes. He was on rollerblades. RED FLAG #1. He was wearing jeans that hugged his crotch, and he sported an ass that only a dancer or gymnast could have. RED FLAG #2. He wore a black hat with the “Wicked” logo on it, and he was wearing a size small tee shirt with an equally small jean jacket, one button done. RED FLAG #3. I noticed him noticing me across the deli, and after he got his food, he asked if he could sit down at my table. My interest peaked immediately, my brain squeeled in delight: “Yay! A new Gay friend for LA, you don’t have any out here yet! Yipee!”

After sitting and talking for about 40 mins, I learned that he was from the Midwest and in LA to pursue musical theater. (???) He then explained how his Dad doesn’t speak to him anymore because he thought he was gay. Gay Guy then went on to tell me that he was not, in fact homosexual. Not at all he said. He “loved” women, and being gay wasn’t something he had a problem with, but he was not, absolutely not playing for the boy’s team. Hmmmm. RED FLAG #4. (Within minutes of meeting me he needed to explain his sexuality…?) He asked me out. At first I wasn’t even really considering this as a date. But I had nothing to do that night, he seemed really fun, and I didn’t want to go to the movies alone. He rollerbladed home. I took my car. A few hours later we went to the movies. He kept complimenting me on my outfit and make up. RED FLAG #5. He was so sweet- bought refreshments, and kept going on and on about what he liked about me. It was kind of weird. On one hand, it’s slightly disarming when someone is that forward with you. On the other, it was kind of NICE to hear these things about myself. Finally, someone noticed the care and detail that went into my perfectly shaped eyeliner! During the movie he very slyly put his hand around my shoulder and then he tried to kiss me. I laughed. I didn’t mean to, but I still wasn’t buying the Straight card he was dealing, and plus I just met him. Please. I am a LADYYY. ( If you read the Drunk Guy post, you probably know that that isn’t ENTIRELY true…) I played the laugh off as me being coy.

Later we went for a long walk around the city. He held my hand. He was still wearing the tight jeans. He was really, really, in shape- as most dancers are. He went on and on about old g/f’s in his past, his hard family life, convincing his conservative parents we wasn’t gay. I kind of felt bad for him. He WAS cute. And very available. Eh, what the hell? I know super effeminate guys that get married and have kids, and are perfectly straight- it’s just the way they were built. Whatever, I’m progressive and non judgemental- let’s give it try! What’s the worst that could happen? He adores me! We dated for about 6 weeks.

Strangely, Gay Guy was winning me over. I knew this guy wasn’t completely Mr. Right: afterall, he had asked me to be his girlfriend after the 1st date. He called me all the time. He took me out a lot. This was not the kind of guy I was used to: everything was EASY! There was no muss, no fuss…I knew how he felt about me. It was kind of… nice… for awhile. I let myself believe that there was nothing wrong with the fact that he knew more Musical facts than me, that the huge rip on the seat of his pants was “fashionable” when maybe, it was more “functionable” , and that he constantly needed validation that he was, in fact straight as an arrow. I broke it off after I realized that though I am willing to comprimise on a lot, I am not willing to be a beard. (A very fabulous and stunning beard, I might add.) He didn’t take it badly at all, and it seemed that we went to sort of being friends. Talking every now and then. I still didn’t know that he was officially gay then, I just knew that I wasn’t attracted to him, and didn’t want him as a b/f. Then one day on facebook his relationship status changed to with a dude. A dude I knew. And apparently they are living happily ever after in their Musical theater dreamland of Rollerblades and concealer. I have no regrets- more power to em! I will leave you with this: A Gay B/F is something we have all had from time to time. But if your Gay B/F goes from someone you would see a chick flick with to someone you are sleeping with, ask yourself this: Do his shoes match his bag? If the answer is yes, wake up and smell the Gay Roses my dears. (Tea Roses I would imagine.) And if he has a bag period, just politely ask him if he’d rather go shopping instead. I bet he’ll say yes. :0)

Coming soon: Don't Date the Old Guy.