September 1st, 2010. 8:53pm
Well, here I am at Starbucks sipping chamomile tea for the second time in 2 days avoiding Jessica (my roommate) at all costs. It's the 1st. I have no rent money. Let's see how long I can ride THIS disaster out... JESUS---!!!RUSSIAN LADY IS SPEAKING SO LOUD NEXT TO ME, CANNOT HEAR MY OWN THOUGHTS! SHUT UP FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS AND EVERYTHING HOLY!!!!
It's not like I'm not trying. I applied for 14 jobs this week and couldn't even get ONE interview for a plumbing company cold calling for 8 dollars an hour. For literal and proverbial shit. Fuck. Me. Dry.
TODAAAAYYYY THOUGHHHH....... :0)
Me, Matt, and went on a hiking trip to Santa Paula to a place in the coastal mountains called the "Punch Bowls." It didn't SOUND like it would be too bad. I guess I forgot what hiking up an actual mountain was like. It has been 13 years since I had to trek up anything like that since the big glacier incident on the ill fated trip to British Columbia during the phase when Dad was trying to teach us about nature. Too bad I was 12, angry, fat, and full of hormones of disdain. Pouring out of my overalls, through my braced up mouth, I complained every step of the way that trip. Since then, my relationship with my father has never really been the same, and I got labeled as the family asshole whiner. I have tried to since live this down. I haven't. Poor Dad. He meant well. But redemption now!
I ordered tea and I really should have gone for the chocolate chip coffee cake. Goddamn it, Kathryne. Stop thinking about sweets.
Anyway, the hike today to the Punch Bowls turned out to be TRECHEROUS. IT WAS SO HARD!!! 7.5 or 8 miles all and all and I suppose I knew about a quarter of the way through that I was in deep trouble. Not only was the sun baking my insanely transparent white skin, but my legs were not NEAR strong enough to handle the steep incline filled with rough rocks, loose gravel, poison oak, and lizards. Then sand! Crossing jagged rocks in water rushing towards us. (With snakes!!!) It was SOOOOO hard!
I had to stop like, 5 times for water and to sit because I was exhausted from the heat, dehydrated, and about to puke my guts out. Muscles so overworked that I had to dry heave. I didn't actually blow chunks, thank god- I would have died. And I blamed the need to puke on the fact that I had two cups of coffee on an empty stomach and that I had just gotten my period. Both true, but not why I needed to pukey puke. We all know what it really was. Fat girl syndrome. Speaking of which- I would KILL for a Reese's peanut butter cup right now... Gonna go to Ralphs after this and eat one while I shop for vegetables, then dispose of the evidence in one of the more random aisles... no harm, no foul, right?
Owen, it turned out, was very helpful as I saw more and more similarities between my father and Matt. Matt powered through almost like a soldier. Head down. Just kept walking through the pain. Well, I suppose maybe I was the only one feeling pain, as these boys grew up with these hikes. But I digress. Matt didn't really stop to help when I stopped. Owen stopped. He actually held my hands over the scary rocks and kept looking back to make sure I was still alive. Owen being 6 feet tall and 105 lbs, I am pretty sure he could not handle my bootyliciousness if I fell on him, but it was kinda nice to see the effort there. Matt only stopped when he had to- or when Owen told him to. You know, it's fine. Really. He's just not a really lovey dovey guy. (It's not fine. I am still sooo not OK with this.) Whatever. We saw the waterfall. Then we ran out of drinking water, which was scary, I started to swell up like a sausage, and I was convinced I was going to faint if I didn't get some kind of hydration soon, but I kept it to myself and didn't complain. Don't complain again, Kathryne, suck it up. Be a man. Be a man. Prove.
We nearly RAN back down the mountain. Mostly downhill. Mat and Owen were very agile, and I felt like an out of shape girly girl with a weight problem. I had to follow through though. I had to. I did. I DID suck it up. I survived! I am so glad I didn't make them turn around. I don't know if I ever want to do that again though. Jesus knows I'll be sore tomorrow. I will be surprised if I can stand upright. At some point during the hike though, I realized I was just trying to prove something. That- you know, I am NOT skinny, but I am also not so fat anymore either. That I can power thru!
We went to Owen's cabin down the street afterwards for water and then to The Habit for food. Matt did pay for dinner for me, which was nice. We usually go dutch, so that was really nice. He probably was worried I would keel over if he didn't put some kind of food in me. And he knows I am too poor to eat out now after all the car repairs for the lemon of century.
After dinner, Matt drove us past his and Owen's childhood homes. I secretly hoped that maybe he would stop and introduce me to his parents. I wish. Ugh. Goddamn it. Maybe I don't want what I thought I did. I don't ever really seem to go after the types of guys that hug and kiss a lot. (Frankly, I was initially pissed that Owen was going on our romantic little hike, but later relieved as all hell he was there because he was the only one looking out for me in that hike and he also really kept the conversation going well. Matt isn't that talkative while sober, I reminded myself today. Again.) I think I love him though. He bought me lunch. And gave me aloe for my sunburn.
And just a snippet from 11/15/2010:
It has just occured to me today that I might be too delicate in stature to withhold the heartless and indecent musings of a full blown depressed alcoholic who has prickly tendencies to begin with. How did we get here? Will it always be like this? I am trying hard not to continue to be disappointed, especially everytime he picks up a drink, I always hope that this will the time he doesn't overdo it. He gets so narcissistic with a dash of deep seeded self loathing when he is drinking heavily. Will it always be like this? It will be if you don't change some patterns here, Kathryne. TOXICITY is the word of the day. And he says he loves me. I think he does. But why does he still talk so all the other girls? It feels like I am number one now. But does the number matter when there seem to be so many potential others he likes to keep around "just in case"? The texting I always wonder about. The facebook comments...I wonder sometimes... I am scared because I am so love with him now. I am meeting his parents and sister in a week for Thanksgiving, and I know that must mean something. It is also my 26th birthday. Another year older, another year wiser? I hope I don't say something stupid in front of his parents. I hope they like me. I hope I fit in. I hope Matt doesn't ever cheat on me. Love is now involved, and I feel like we can conquer anything if we just put our heads together and work it out. It was so sweet of him to ask me to his parents. I can't wait to play with all his pets, too. I feel so starved for unconditional love sometimes. I should get a puppy, maybe...
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Big Sky
I've been listening to a lot of Annie Lennox lately, and my love affair with her extremely naked, stripped down, emotional lyrics has not wained in I'd say a good 15 years. Even when I was a child, before I had had my heart broken, before someone had lied to me, hurt me, or not been true, when I was unscathed, I still somehow was mesmorized by her lyrics and related to them...even if I wasn't sure exactly what they meant. I sure do now, I'll tell you that!.... Yeah.
As a little girl, and as an actress from a pretty young age, I somehow...yearned...for that kind of hurt, that kind of deep hurt and heartbreak that are so apparent in her lyrics...masochistic, yeah? It was like I knew that I needed to experience that fall down, life altering love and then lose it to know what it might be like to express those kinds of feelings on stage or screen. I'm not weird. But I do think that this dangerous need for something to draw from has willed me into less than ideal romantic situations. Did I create them? Did they just find me...? Would it have happened anyway? I don't know.
When I was 18, first starting out in acting conservatory in NYC, I remember, in my first class, the famed and respected Darren Cohen was working on my first song assignment. I had played Lady Thiang in "The King and I" in highschool (great casting, I know...but go with me...)- and I had sung "Something Wonderful"- and if you can stop trying to envision me as Asian, try and remember the song. It's pretty fucking heavy. My old musical director used to say it was the hardest song in the show. Lady Thiang is the "first" wife to the King of Siam- among- dozens and dozens of younger, prettier wives. She is a concubine. She gave him his first son though, and being the first, she will always, in a way, be the most important. Anna does not how Lady Thiang can be so true and loving towards her husband who sleeps with many women, and isn't kind most of the time to boot. In the middle of the second act- Lady Thiang sings "Something Wonderful"- and here are some of the lyrics:
"He will not always say
What you would have him say,
But now and then he'll say
Something wonderful.
The thoughtless things he'll do
Will hurt and worry you
But now and then he'll do
Something wonderful."
Darren Cohen was sitting across from me, along with the rest of my class of about 20- and he was impressed with my vocal abilities for the musically difficult song. (I had worked on the song for two years with my vocal coaches in high school- it was my audition song to every college- so it was polished to the nines.) He applauded my effort, and me, thinking I had just wowed him, was about to smugly sit down. He didn't let me leave the front. He took a breath and long pause before speaking and said to me, "Have you ever been hurt? Has a man ever really, really, to your core destroyed you?"
And I thought of all my missed romantic connections from high school. Being the make out buddy to many of my male contemporaries, but never the girlfriend. The awkward chubby gal. Sure. That hurt like hell. "Yes. I have definitely had my heart broken."
Darren looked at me and took his thick glasses off. "No you haven't."
Some of the girls in the class gasped. I was shocked. Who the hell was he to tell me that I hadn't been hurt? He wasn't there!! He didn't know what those boys promised me and then never came through with. How dare he! He then used me an example for the class- and I learned an important- and dangerous lesson as an actor. He proceeded to tell me that I had hands down a beautiful voice. And at that point, I had lost my high school chub, so he also told me I had a pretty face, and "looked" like an actor. But I couldn't walk into auditions and sing songs like this- or do monologues for that matter that had this kind of subject matter. Because I hadn't expereicned it yet. I simply was not equipped to play a heartbroken, down trodden, and desperate woman- because I hadn't been through it yet. He was right. And it wasn't until years later- 5 to be exact- that I realized what Lady Thiang was singing about. And what Annie Lennox has been crooning about for the majority of her career. And then something crazy happened.
At 23, I saw what I thought to be at the time- the love of my life- disappoint and fail me so horribly...I didn't think I would recover. As many of us have, yes? This is very vital standpost in life. And that, my friends- is when I started to write. Create my own material, and on top of that, I started booking more acting jobs. Shorts, small things- but in my day, I have also been up for several- what some might call "bigtime" jobs. What I am saying is, of course a lot of this comes with age, you learn, you grow, and it's only natural that I would know more about the industry at 26 now than at 18. But. I am a far superior artist now. Not because of the sharpness that comes with class or good direction. But because of what I have experienced. Simply by my pool of experience. But here is where it gets dangerous...
I am now in another relationship. With a man that I love. And he loves me. We have had our moments- amazing, full of hope and love, and others that have made me question my core beliefs. There is an ebb and flow. And in every kind of different relationship you have, there will always be a new onslaught of problems and joys. Of course. This comes with the territory. But I recently was thinking about standing across the room from Darren Cohen, and him telling me I will never be the actress I am supposed to be until I have had these signposts in life happen to me. And it made worry in a cold sweat today that it is possible that Mr. Cohen has been silently guiding me in my decision making with men for the past 8 years- setting myself up for failure- or worse- sabotaging the very thing that makes me happy, gives me a reason, and possible future. And this scared the shit of out me.
Am I a masochist actor looking for so many feelings and questions and scenarios that I am blind to what is actually happening in front of my face- which is--- beautiful, sometimes troubling, frightening, enlightening, and....vital...? I didn't want to face the answer to that. So, instead I decided to listen to some Annie Lennox to take the edge off. Here is a few lines from "Big Sky"- my song du jour.
"Big sky, I'm gonna hurt you.
Big sky, you'll remember this.
Big sky, up above the rain,
how can I ever put a stop to it,
look you in the face again.
Big sky, I'll never let you go.
Big sky, baby I told you so.
Big sky, look at this swollen pride
I get so busy looking out for you
when you were you by my side?
There's a reason when I'm sleeping
I can't think of nothing else
all my longing
all my waiting
all the things you never felt
all my weeping
all my waiting
all my standing on the shelf
how am I ever gonna get through this?
Look you in the face again?"
The song itself is beyond moving, and I suggest you youtube it to get the full effect here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mpnbfCFBzY
I believe that I am smarter than simply throwing myself into situations of intentional heartbreak to chase a "real" and "true" moment on screen or to book that next job. But it's something that I am starting to be keenly aware of, and am going to monitor...and I encourage all you actors and artists to trace where those first seeds were planted for you and your possibly destructive behavior- as we all have this- let's admit it- wherever it lies. Until then- here's to happy, HEALTHY, and beautiful unions... right? Right. I'm off to dust off a script and listen to ever beaitiful Annie. Feeling...grateful.
As a little girl, and as an actress from a pretty young age, I somehow...yearned...for that kind of hurt, that kind of deep hurt and heartbreak that are so apparent in her lyrics...masochistic, yeah? It was like I knew that I needed to experience that fall down, life altering love and then lose it to know what it might be like to express those kinds of feelings on stage or screen. I'm not weird. But I do think that this dangerous need for something to draw from has willed me into less than ideal romantic situations. Did I create them? Did they just find me...? Would it have happened anyway? I don't know.
When I was 18, first starting out in acting conservatory in NYC, I remember, in my first class, the famed and respected Darren Cohen was working on my first song assignment. I had played Lady Thiang in "The King and I" in highschool (great casting, I know...but go with me...)- and I had sung "Something Wonderful"- and if you can stop trying to envision me as Asian, try and remember the song. It's pretty fucking heavy. My old musical director used to say it was the hardest song in the show. Lady Thiang is the "first" wife to the King of Siam- among- dozens and dozens of younger, prettier wives. She is a concubine. She gave him his first son though, and being the first, she will always, in a way, be the most important. Anna does not how Lady Thiang can be so true and loving towards her husband who sleeps with many women, and isn't kind most of the time to boot. In the middle of the second act- Lady Thiang sings "Something Wonderful"- and here are some of the lyrics:
"He will not always say
What you would have him say,
But now and then he'll say
Something wonderful.
The thoughtless things he'll do
Will hurt and worry you
But now and then he'll do
Something wonderful."
Darren Cohen was sitting across from me, along with the rest of my class of about 20- and he was impressed with my vocal abilities for the musically difficult song. (I had worked on the song for two years with my vocal coaches in high school- it was my audition song to every college- so it was polished to the nines.) He applauded my effort, and me, thinking I had just wowed him, was about to smugly sit down. He didn't let me leave the front. He took a breath and long pause before speaking and said to me, "Have you ever been hurt? Has a man ever really, really, to your core destroyed you?"
And I thought of all my missed romantic connections from high school. Being the make out buddy to many of my male contemporaries, but never the girlfriend. The awkward chubby gal. Sure. That hurt like hell. "Yes. I have definitely had my heart broken."
Darren looked at me and took his thick glasses off. "No you haven't."
Some of the girls in the class gasped. I was shocked. Who the hell was he to tell me that I hadn't been hurt? He wasn't there!! He didn't know what those boys promised me and then never came through with. How dare he! He then used me an example for the class- and I learned an important- and dangerous lesson as an actor. He proceeded to tell me that I had hands down a beautiful voice. And at that point, I had lost my high school chub, so he also told me I had a pretty face, and "looked" like an actor. But I couldn't walk into auditions and sing songs like this- or do monologues for that matter that had this kind of subject matter. Because I hadn't expereicned it yet. I simply was not equipped to play a heartbroken, down trodden, and desperate woman- because I hadn't been through it yet. He was right. And it wasn't until years later- 5 to be exact- that I realized what Lady Thiang was singing about. And what Annie Lennox has been crooning about for the majority of her career. And then something crazy happened.
At 23, I saw what I thought to be at the time- the love of my life- disappoint and fail me so horribly...I didn't think I would recover. As many of us have, yes? This is very vital standpost in life. And that, my friends- is when I started to write. Create my own material, and on top of that, I started booking more acting jobs. Shorts, small things- but in my day, I have also been up for several- what some might call "bigtime" jobs. What I am saying is, of course a lot of this comes with age, you learn, you grow, and it's only natural that I would know more about the industry at 26 now than at 18. But. I am a far superior artist now. Not because of the sharpness that comes with class or good direction. But because of what I have experienced. Simply by my pool of experience. But here is where it gets dangerous...
I am now in another relationship. With a man that I love. And he loves me. We have had our moments- amazing, full of hope and love, and others that have made me question my core beliefs. There is an ebb and flow. And in every kind of different relationship you have, there will always be a new onslaught of problems and joys. Of course. This comes with the territory. But I recently was thinking about standing across the room from Darren Cohen, and him telling me I will never be the actress I am supposed to be until I have had these signposts in life happen to me. And it made worry in a cold sweat today that it is possible that Mr. Cohen has been silently guiding me in my decision making with men for the past 8 years- setting myself up for failure- or worse- sabotaging the very thing that makes me happy, gives me a reason, and possible future. And this scared the shit of out me.
Am I a masochist actor looking for so many feelings and questions and scenarios that I am blind to what is actually happening in front of my face- which is--- beautiful, sometimes troubling, frightening, enlightening, and....vital...? I didn't want to face the answer to that. So, instead I decided to listen to some Annie Lennox to take the edge off. Here is a few lines from "Big Sky"- my song du jour.
"Big sky, I'm gonna hurt you.
Big sky, you'll remember this.
Big sky, up above the rain,
how can I ever put a stop to it,
look you in the face again.
Big sky, I'll never let you go.
Big sky, baby I told you so.
Big sky, look at this swollen pride
I get so busy looking out for you
when you were you by my side?
There's a reason when I'm sleeping
I can't think of nothing else
all my longing
all my waiting
all the things you never felt
all my weeping
all my waiting
all my standing on the shelf
how am I ever gonna get through this?
Look you in the face again?"
The song itself is beyond moving, and I suggest you youtube it to get the full effect here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mpnbfCFBzY
I believe that I am smarter than simply throwing myself into situations of intentional heartbreak to chase a "real" and "true" moment on screen or to book that next job. But it's something that I am starting to be keenly aware of, and am going to monitor...and I encourage all you actors and artists to trace where those first seeds were planted for you and your possibly destructive behavior- as we all have this- let's admit it- wherever it lies. Until then- here's to happy, HEALTHY, and beautiful unions... right? Right. I'm off to dust off a script and listen to ever beaitiful Annie. Feeling...grateful.
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