Friday, April 22, 2011

"Personal Diary Entry from September 1st, 2010"- Listen to your gut. Jiggly as it may have been....

September 1st, 2010. 8:53pm





Well, here I am at Starbucks sipping chamomile tea for the second time in 2 days avoiding Jessica (my roommate) at all costs. It's the 1st. I have no rent money. Let's see how long I can ride THIS disaster out... JESUS---!!!RUSSIAN LADY IS SPEAKING SO LOUD NEXT TO ME, CANNOT HEAR MY OWN THOUGHTS! SHUT UP FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS AND EVERYTHING HOLY!!!!





It's not like I'm not trying. I applied for 14 jobs this week and couldn't even get ONE interview for a plumbing company cold calling for 8 dollars an hour. For literal and proverbial shit. Fuck. Me. Dry.





TODAAAAYYYY THOUGHHHH....... :0)





Me, Matt, and went on a hiking trip to Santa Paula to a place in the coastal mountains called the "Punch Bowls." It didn't SOUND like it would be too bad. I guess I forgot what hiking up an actual mountain was like. It has been 13 years since I had to trek up anything like that since the big glacier incident on the ill fated trip to British Columbia during the phase when Dad was trying to teach us about nature. Too bad I was 12, angry, fat, and full of hormones of disdain. Pouring out of my overalls, through my braced up mouth, I complained every step of the way that trip. Since then, my relationship with my father has never really been the same, and I got labeled as the family asshole whiner. I have tried to since live this down. I haven't. Poor Dad. He meant well. But redemption now!





I ordered tea and I really should have gone for the chocolate chip coffee cake. Goddamn it, Kathryne. Stop thinking about sweets.





Anyway, the hike today to the Punch Bowls turned out to be TRECHEROUS. IT WAS SO HARD!!! 7.5 or 8 miles all and all and I suppose I knew about a quarter of the way through that I was in deep trouble. Not only was the sun baking my insanely transparent white skin, but my legs were not NEAR strong enough to handle the steep incline filled with rough rocks, loose gravel, poison oak, and lizards. Then sand! Crossing jagged rocks in water rushing towards us. (With snakes!!!) It was SOOOOO hard!





I had to stop like, 5 times for water and to sit because I was exhausted from the heat, dehydrated, and about to puke my guts out. Muscles so overworked that I had to dry heave. I didn't actually blow chunks, thank god- I would have died. And I blamed the need to puke on the fact that I had two cups of coffee on an empty stomach and that I had just gotten my period. Both true, but not why I needed to pukey puke. We all know what it really was. Fat girl syndrome. Speaking of which- I would KILL for a Reese's peanut butter cup right now... Gonna go to Ralphs after this and eat one while I shop for vegetables, then dispose of the evidence in one of the more random aisles... no harm, no foul, right?





Owen, it turned out, was very helpful as I saw more and more similarities between my father and Matt. Matt powered through almost like a soldier. Head down. Just kept walking through the pain. Well, I suppose maybe I was the only one feeling pain, as these boys grew up with these hikes. But I digress. Matt didn't really stop to help when I stopped. Owen stopped. He actually held my hands over the scary rocks and kept looking back to make sure I was still alive. Owen being 6 feet tall and 105 lbs, I am pretty sure he could not handle my bootyliciousness if I fell on him, but it was kinda nice to see the effort there. Matt only stopped when he had to- or when Owen told him to. You know, it's fine. Really. He's just not a really lovey dovey guy. (It's not fine. I am still sooo not OK with this.) Whatever. We saw the waterfall. Then we ran out of drinking water, which was scary, I started to swell up like a sausage, and I was convinced I was going to faint if I didn't get some kind of hydration soon, but I kept it to myself and didn't complain. Don't complain again, Kathryne, suck it up. Be a man. Be a man. Prove.





We nearly RAN back down the mountain. Mostly downhill. Mat and Owen were very agile, and I felt like an out of shape girly girl with a weight problem. I had to follow through though. I had to. I did. I DID suck it up. I survived! I am so glad I didn't make them turn around. I don't know if I ever want to do that again though. Jesus knows I'll be sore tomorrow. I will be surprised if I can stand upright. At some point during the hike though, I realized I was just trying to prove something. That- you know, I am NOT skinny, but I am also not so fat anymore either. That I can power thru!





We went to Owen's cabin down the street afterwards for water and then to The Habit for food. Matt did pay for dinner for me, which was nice. We usually go dutch, so that was really nice. He probably was worried I would keel over if he didn't put some kind of food in me. And he knows I am too poor to eat out now after all the car repairs for the lemon of century.

After dinner, Matt drove us past his and Owen's childhood homes. I secretly hoped that maybe he would stop and introduce me to his parents. I wish. Ugh. Goddamn it. Maybe I don't want what I thought I did. I don't ever really seem to go after the types of guys that hug and kiss a lot. (Frankly, I was initially pissed that Owen was going on our romantic little hike, but later relieved as all hell he was there because he was the only one looking out for me in that hike and he also really kept the conversation going well. Matt isn't that talkative while sober, I reminded myself today. Again.) I think I love him though. He bought me lunch. And gave me aloe for my sunburn.





And just a snippet from 11/15/2010:




It has just occured to me today that I might be too delicate in stature to withhold the heartless and indecent musings of a full blown depressed alcoholic who has prickly tendencies to begin with. How did we get here? Will it always be like this? I am trying hard not to continue to be disappointed, especially everytime he picks up a drink, I always hope that this will the time he doesn't overdo it. He gets so narcissistic with a dash of deep seeded self loathing when he is drinking heavily. Will it always be like this? It will be if you don't change some patterns here, Kathryne. TOXICITY is the word of the day. And he says he loves me. I think he does. But why does he still talk so all the other girls? It feels like I am number one now. But does the number matter when there seem to be so many potential others he likes to keep around "just in case"? The texting I always wonder about. The facebook comments...I wonder sometimes... I am scared because I am so love with him now. I am meeting his parents and sister in a week for Thanksgiving, and I know that must mean something. It is also my 26th birthday. Another year older, another year wiser? I hope I don't say something stupid in front of his parents. I hope they like me. I hope I fit in. I hope Matt doesn't ever cheat on me. Love is now involved, and I feel like we can conquer anything if we just put our heads together and work it out. It was so sweet of him to ask me to his parents. I can't wait to play with all his pets, too. I feel so starved for unconditional love sometimes. I should get a puppy, maybe...

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