Maybe it was the haunting music of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" that I just watched. Maybe it was the fact that I was home, with my mother to take care of me, that I retreated back into the very childlike, and vulnerable state that I was in. I had not been taking very good care of myself. Not in the body, head, or heart. It had been a whirlwind year, and it was just about time to wake up from my winter's rest and snap back into the startling and exhilarating reality that had become my life. Why wasn't I more excited? Why couldn't I shake the melancholy? As a writer, I tend to live in that glorious unknown... the delicious world of what I have, what I want, and what I will never have... the cracks and crevices of happiness... what could have been, what never was... and that place where I know I will be someday. I live in that place most of the time... most artists do. It breeds good work, and generally, I can't shake it. But I don't mind spending time there, I've become rather comfortable with it.
In the past, I couldn't watch "Eternal..." not after the breakup... the bad, brutal and deeply depressing breakup. That movie speaks to this generation's group of lovers in a way that many other movies have not succeeded in. Somehow, everyone knows exactly what it's like to be the Joel or the Clementine in the relationship. I was the Clementine in case you were wondering. I'm always the Clementine. Or at least that's what people think I am. Heart on my sleeve, painfully honest, a little crazy, loud, and unable to hide what I am feeling in a any given moment. Now when I watch the movie, which truly is one of my favorites of all time... I feel nothing...I have long sense gotten over my 1st Joel. I have. But that was not what was on my mind. Not this time, on this particular snowed in, below zero, blustery Syracuse day.
What was bothering me- nagging me really, like a cut cuticle bleeding, needing attention, I couldn't exactly put my finger on. My Joel- the Joel that eventually went away... he was the only real relationship I had ever had. Everyone after my Joel was not... well... Joel. They were Tom, Dick , or Harry. And it was really starting to grate on me. On my confidence, on my whole head. I, like Clementine, had become a really kooky girl, a fun girl, a girl who was different from the others in the way I dressed, talked and held myself. Maybe it was the East coast in me. Maybe it was the exterior I put up in an effort to protect myself. But none the less, after my Joel, I had absolutely no problem getting other potential Joels to notice me. To ask me out. To want me. To even fall in love with me. The problem was- the ones that loved me- I didn't love back- not even a little. I could be married with 1.5 kids and a freakin Labrador, I thought to myself. What a scary thought. But none of these other potential Joels were the right ones.
On the flip side... I had much rather taken a liking to men... to Joels that I guess weren't really Joels at all... men who took me for granted... left me... treated me with disrespect, and discarded me until the next time they were feeling lonely. It took me awhile to realize that I was doing the exact same thing with them. For a full year- a year of searching for connections, losing them, and then finding them again-- I had failed to really find someone that I could spend more than a few hours with. I had succeeded in making my life compartmentalized. And I didn't like it.
In this blog, I always try to give you answers, reasons WHY, or WHY NOT. I like to come up with solutions and put a positive spin on just about anything... however, sometimes, especially now... why do we NEED answers? Why do women, particularly Clementine women, search for the reason in everything? Do we need closure? Why does there have to be a reason? Can't things just be? Must we always take a lesson? What is it? I will hold no punches back: I don't know.
I don't know why I haven't found my Joel-- my REAL Joel yet... I don't know why I only want people I know I can't have, and I love the wrong people, and I inconvenience, complicate, and screw my life up the way I do with love. But I DO know that I have love. I have a strong love that grows everyday. And someday, maybe tomorrow, or maybe next month... or next year... I will be able to share that with somebody. But until then, I am an actor with a great device and ability to share my feelings with others through art. I am a writer who can write out these schemes and dreams into something coherent and beautiful. And I am a blogger that can further confuse my readers with the first blog I will post that doesn't have an answer.... in fact it has a big question mark on top of it. And, for the first post of the new year, I think that's rather OK.
One of the things I am constantly working on is admitting that I don't know everything, and being alright with that. I find enlightenment in the questions...not the answers, more and more. So keep asking them. Watch "Eternal Sunshine..." See how you interpret it now... we can't go back. We can't fight to save something that is already gone. We can't leave clues in our ex lover's subconsciousness for them to remember how special we really were. However, we CAN continue to write. We can continue to build this love... for ourselves... within ourselves... within others who love us... and we can continue to express it. I said I wouldn't give you my take on a answer in this blog. So I will leave you with this. Create your own love. Create your own self worth. Want people, don't need them. And this year- in 2010- evaluate more. Make a mix tape. Write a journal. Ask questions. Don't take no for an answer. Spotty... crazy... and disjointed...(but full of compassion, hope, and maybe a little wisdom...) Kathryne Isabelle :0)
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