Kathryne Says... Don't Date the Guy Who Thinks You're Soulmates After the First Date

So. You met him. He was nice. He was very polite. He maybe held the door open for you at Starbucks, or you worked with him once on set or something like that. He wasn't too handsome or dashing. No, you'd remember that. You would have been intimidated if he had been too attractive. No, Soulmate Guy was alright looking. He had a scruffy beard and maybe, in my case, fooled you upon the first meeting. But more on that later. He SEEMED nice enough. When he asked you out, you thought to yourself, "well, it HAS been awhile since I have been out with someone new. Let's just give him a chance even though I am feeling rather 'meh' about this guy..."

You show up. 8pm. A diner. Seems harmless enough. You purposely told him you would drive yourself, instead of him picking you up because if you need to get the hell out of their fast, at least you won't be at the mercy of his car. This was just my thinking anyhow. Call me paranoid and untrusting, but this IS Los Angeles.

You walk in. You see a man wearing a Renaissance Fair costume. Poor bastard. What a moron, wearing that shit out in public. A full on cape with the fucking boots and hat with a goddamn feather in it. You check your watch. It's a little early, you'll wait in the lobby- or better yet, go to the ladies room to freshen up. When you exit the ladies room, back into the lobby, you see in front of you, your worst fear realized. Soulmate Guy was the dude wearing the Renaissance getup. He was waiting by the ladies room door for some reason, as if that wasn't disturbing enough in itself. He's seen you now, and has you cornered so it's too late to run. I go to this diner all the time- what if one of my friends, or gulp- even worse- one of my EX BOYFRIEND'S sees me with this clown! What is my life coming to?? This is starting to feel reminiscent high school... Well, too late to be the bitch that stands up the dude, so come on, let's bring on this nightmare. Woooo.

What made this worse, was that, in general, I am far too nice. I am more cynical and biting in my fake life, which lives in my screenplays and blogs. In real life- I am the cutie that will let you walk all over me. Not proud of that, but it's true. I have a big heart, what can I say? Hell, maybe I am too judgemental. Maybe I could make a nice life for myself with freak who wears buckskin in his bedsheets. Shit.

He ordered gravy, chicken, something southern that I would never think would go together- it didn't- but he ate it anyway. He put maple syrup on gravy and chicken and like, some corn thing. It was...gross. I digress. I ordered coffee, lots of it, and poked at some undercooked eggs in disgust. Even the food sucked. Would I get no satisfaction out of this date? Can't even drown my sorrows in some greasy diner food? Dammit! He was talking about his job- I am not a bitch- I was truly trying to give him a chance. I was!! But he worked for a Psychic Hotline! It's like he is writing the material FOR me. His overgrown beard was now ripe with pieces of his dinner. He was surprisingly very arrogant. He would not stop talking about how great of a writer he is/how amazing an actor he is/ and how he has slept with many, many women. And he is ready to settle down now. The thing is- I know all of this was compensating. I mean, obviously if you're going to list your accomplishments like that, you are self conscious about something. But who cares? It's such a turnoff!

The next bomb he dropped was that he was a Born again Christian who had been "saved" and that, although, he is "very attracted to me" he and I "should wait to have sex" until we are married, because "it's what Jesus would want". Keep 'em comin' cowboy!! On a side note, I love that he thought I wanted sex from him on the first date. That really tickled me. I knew I would never see this guy again after the date, but it suddenly became amusing- I realized this was like watching a trainwreck, and I wasn't ready to leave yet. Call me a masochist. Or just someone who needs to witness obscene human behavior for my--- artistic sense...?

Later on, after he had for about one full hour talked about himself- and ONLY himself- he put his hand on my hand, looked into my eyes, and told me that he was going to thank god he met me tonight, when he said his prayers, because he felt he had just met his "soulmate". MmmmHmmm. Not like I was feeling anything for this guy in the first place, but I had never pegged him to be a "Soulmate Guy!!!" He said we should go to Vegas. And then he said he wasn't joking, He said it had nothing to do with the fact he wanted to sleep with me... yeah. at thispoint, I was going through some phase of shock- I wasn't sure if it was the arrogance, assumption, food in the beard, or the Renaissance Clothes and the vague smell of smoked sausage he wafted. Maybe it was a mix of things. But time is up. I had seen enough. I felt violated, annoyed, and intrigued at the same time.

Had I been the Kathryne that I show in my blogs or one of my heroines in my screenplays, I might have said thank-you for dinner and pointed out all of the things that had gone wrong with the date in a witty and vindictive way. I, however, said thank-you, and never accepted a call from him again. I forgot to mention that night that he in fact, DID propose to me. He gave me a CD. Which actually was kind of sweet, but he got down on one knee and took my hand and asked me to elope with him that night. I am not kidding or exaggerating when I say he cried a little when he asked. I told him I had to get up early. And that I had my period. That's a way to turn 'em off/down girls! "Marry me!"--- "I have my period."--- "Oh. Nevermind." Right???

He sent me a few emails telling me that I was a "great love lost", and that he "doesn't normally show this much emotion to people he doesn't love". At this point I figured, if it were movie, I would either come around and start thinking the animal skin wearing, jerky eating guy was actually for me. Or he would chop me up into little pieces. No, no... haha....

If you find a "Soulmate Guy" approaching on you after a few days of meeting, or someone who might carry a sword and sheath to everyday activities like grocery shopping or playing tennis. Run. Don't be me. Just freakin' run and don't aplogize. But if your "Soulmate Guy" comes upon you after months or years of dating, and is a true love- (ie: not after a day. Or a date. Or over some gravy chicken shit- ain't never gonna happen...) then, I, as Kathryne Says... I give you permission to go forth and be Soulmates together. But then, what do I know? I've now been able to rule out the Gay Guy, the Drunk Guy, the Old Guy, The Difficult Guy, The Guy That Already Dumped Me Once, and now the Soulmate Guy- or should I call him "Renaissance Guy with an Attitude"? Maybe that- regardless- follow your gut, my darlings, and stay tuned for my next installment: Kathryne Says...Don't Don't The Dude That Went/Is IN Jail. Yeah. Keep it comin' homies! I'll keep shovelin' it out!!

Kathryne Says...Don't Date the Gay Guy

I have a confession to make. I dated a gay guy. And no, I didn’t know it. What a moron, eh? But don’t be so quick to judge- there may have been some kind of gay love affair in your past as well- maybe you just weren't keen to it! This was a common theme for me. Though I have literally only dated one gay guy, I have had big crushes on two or three. Blame this on being a musical theater enthusiast? Possibly. But chances are, if you live in a big city or cultural metropolis of some kind- you have fallen for a gay dude. Ever meet a guy that seems straight in person but in photographs has a perpetual case of the “gay face” ? Perez Hilton uses this term for celebrities like Chace Crawford and Jonathon Reese Myers. Sometimes this is a gray area, but in the future, I must encourage you to follow my advice: If he looks Gay, walks Gay, and most of all- photographs Gay. He’s freakin’ gay. (Go back and look at some of your prom pictures.) Ain’t nothin’ wrong with it, but time to be honest with yourself!

Gay men are a huge part of my life. My very best male friend happens to be a gay guy, and he is the ying to my yang. The cherry on my sundae. Obviously with a very strong gay male influence in my life, I would CLEARLY be able to pick up on the obvious signs…right? Let me break down the Gay Romance for you, and tell you that although it might be tempting, you should- under NO circumstances- date the Gay Guy. Unless he is your hypothetical Gay Boyfriend, and you get pedicures together. That kind, we all need. Just don’t try and sleep with them, or make out with them when you’re drunk (You know who you are…) , because that’s when the otherwise smart gals get totally screwed up.

Gay Guy approached me in deli. I usually just take the food back to my apartment and eat, but this time, I was super hungry, and couldn’t wait- so I sat down at a table alone and started munching on my sandwich. In rolled in Gay Guy. Yes. He was on rollerblades. RED FLAG #1. He was wearing jeans that hugged his crotch, and he sported an ass that only a dancer or gymnast could have. RED FLAG #2. He wore a black hat with the “Wicked” logo on it, and he was wearing a size small tee shirt with an equally small jean jacket, one button done. RED FLAG #3. I noticed him noticing me across the deli, and after he got his food, he asked if he could sit down at my table. My interest peaked immediately, my brain squeeled in delight: “Yay! A new Gay friend for LA, you don’t have any out here yet! Yipee!”

After sitting and talking for about 40 mins, I learned that he was from the Midwest and in LA to pursue musical theater. (???) He then explained how his Dad doesn’t speak to him anymore because he thought he was gay. Gay Guy then went on to tell me that he was not, in fact homosexual. Not at all he said. He “loved” women, and being gay wasn’t something he had a problem with, but he was not, absolutely not playing for the boy’s team. Hmmmm. RED FLAG #4. (Within minutes of meeting me he needed to explain his sexuality…?) He asked me out. At first I wasn’t even really considering this as a date. But I had nothing to do that night, he seemed really fun, and I didn’t want to go to the movies alone. He rollerbladed home. I took my car. A few hours later we went to the movies. He kept complimenting me on my outfit and make up. RED FLAG #5. He was so sweet- bought refreshments, and kept going on and on about what he liked about me. It was kind of weird. On one hand, it’s slightly disarming when someone is that forward with you. On the other, it was kind of NICE to hear these things about myself. Finally, someone noticed the care and detail that went into my perfectly shaped eyeliner! During the movie he very slyly put his hand around my shoulder and then he tried to kiss me. I laughed. I didn’t mean to, but I still wasn’t buying the Straight card he was dealing, and plus I just met him. Please. I am a LADYYY. ( If you read the Drunk Guy post, you probably know that that isn’t ENTIRELY true…) I played the laugh off as me being coy.

Later we went for a long walk around the city. He held my hand. He was still wearing the tight jeans. He was really, really, in shape- as most dancers are. He went on and on about old g/f’s in his past, his hard family life, convincing his conservative parents we wasn’t gay. I kind of felt bad for him. He WAS cute. And very available. Eh, what the hell? I know super effeminate guys that get married and have kids, and are perfectly straight- it’s just the way they were built. Whatever, I’m progressive and non judgemental- let’s give it try! What’s the worst that could happen? He adores me! We dated for about 6 weeks.

Strangely, Gay Guy was winning me over. I knew this guy wasn’t completely Mr. Right: afterall, he had asked me to be his girlfriend after the 1st date. He called me all the time. He took me out a lot. This was not the kind of guy I was used to: everything was EASY! There was no muss, no fuss…I knew how he felt about me. It was kind of… nice… for awhile. I let myself believe that there was nothing wrong with the fact that he knew more Musical facts than me, that the huge rip on the seat of his pants was “fashionable” when maybe, it was more “functionable” , and that he constantly needed validation that he was, in fact straight as an arrow. I broke it off after I realized that though I am willing to comprimise on a lot, I am not willing to be a beard. (A very fabulous and stunning beard, I might add.) He didn’t take it badly at all, and it seemed that we went to sort of being friends. Talking every now and then. I still didn’t know that he was officially gay then, I just knew that I wasn’t attracted to him, and didn’t want him as a b/f. Then one day on facebook his relationship status changed to with a dude. A dude I knew. And apparently they are living happily ever after in their Musical theater dreamland of Rollerblades and concealer. I have no regrets- more power to em! I will leave you with this: A Gay B/F is something we have all had from time to time. But if your Gay B/F goes from someone you would see a chick flick with to someone you are sleeping with, ask yourself this: Do his shoes match his bag? If the answer is yes, wake up and smell the Gay Roses my dears. (Tea Roses I would imagine.) And if he has a bag period, just politely ask him if he’d rather go shopping instead. I bet he’ll say yes. :0)

Coming soon: Don't Date the Old Guy.